Flat Living

Building Around

2012-01-25T18:10:00.000-08:00

was it ever

happy

in the way I envisioned

was it what you had hoped

when you asked

what was supposed to be

a joining together

became a me

building around

and a you

pruning back

from inside

here

attending to reconstruction

a stack of pebbles

waiting for mortar

however long

It occurs to me

If pain is separation from Him

Love

and sin

the act of building around

Him

aiding our separation from Him

each other

I need to call off the build

it was always empty fraud

the snare of building up

was that it only

created

a hole

I won't save my faith for fear

2012-01-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

Can't get this out of my head

An idea, never articulated

An insistent drip

Never failing to drop

I trust this

I trust myself

Smart, decisive, patient

I can not separate my thoughts from myself

Equal parts of the same whole

the equal in the equation

the whole made by you

I trust what I see, what I feel

In you

Trickster

The thoughts and the persistence

Nagging wife of the mind

Projectionist

With film aimed just off

From what is real

Love binds

Moves in faith

I won't save my faith for fear

happy day of your birth

2012-01-15T06:52:00.000-08:00

My daughter is 11 years old today.
(breathing it in)

Everyone always says it goes fast, but that doesn't make it less true. I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. Precious thing born almost a month early, a gentle reminder from Father that I wasn't in control of this life He was delivering into my arms. A tiny screaming sweet smelling rose (Rose is her middle name, after my mom), she was born right after the death of my mother and I always say I had a crash course in what "mom" means during that bitter sweet season of my life. Having the rug of my mom's life pulled and the inception of this life altering relationship of daughter within a month.

I used to look at her as an infant, and I swore I could see what she would be like when she was grown up. Now, thinking back, I am pretty sure she looks and 'is' what I had imagined. Always trust your gut and mine is strong with her, to be sure. Who is she? If you have had a glimpse of what makes her special, trust me, there is more than you have seen. She has always been just what she is. The parts that were difficult are also the parts that are wondrous. I do hope I have made room and allowed what is amazing in her to grow to it's biggest and best, but these parts of her were there from the start. Gifts of a true voice. Gifts of true beauty (inside and out). What will she say and do with these gifts? I have caught a glimpse and I can't quite wait to see what it becomes!

She is my barometer, picking up whatever is in the room. Sometimes this is good in the case of information, knowledge, getting a feeling for something. But sometimes it is difficult for her. It was certainly difficult for her as a small child, she would melt down after a brief time in an overstimulating environment. But now, all of what she has absorbed comes out in the most unexpected and overwhelmingly beautiful ways. She was never a "dreamy" child, like me, she always was exceptionally aware.

I always said my job as a mom was to keep my children as close to the fully intact personalities that were given to me by God as possible.... delivered unscathed into adulthood.
I wish I could say I have done this well. I realize now it was an insanely impossible task for a person to accomplish. But I keep trying. I will never give up on her.

Oh how I love her.
If you could see inside my heart and understand the love from this mother to this daughter.
every. single. freckle.
Pure Joy.

And I must say, I also like her, she is one of my favorite people to hang out with. Every single developmental phase of hers has been my favorite.
So now, 11 year old Astrid, waiting to explore what it is to become a women... is my favorite.

What I Owe to the Houston Public Library System

2012-01-13T21:38:00.000-08:00

I started off the new year talking about forgiving myself, and I wrote my list... and on that list...

Is a library fine.

I don't know how else to say this other then to just say it...

I have a crazy high library fine, like over a hundred dollars. And not just that, but so does my daughter. Which in this case means I have two library fines, BOTH MY FAULT.

It really means I not only did not learn from from my mistakes, I taught the same mistake pattern to my child. (that is the sound of my gut being kicked)

Going to the library is something that I SHOULD do. Taking my kids to the library every other week, even better. That is what a GOOD person does. And I do.

Not turning your books back in for an alarming long period of time... that is not what a good person does. Maybe it is forgivable... but only once you have paid that fee.

So now, I basically (really) steal (eek I don't like that word) my husbands library card. Steal as in he does not know that I use it and he WOULD NOT like it if he knew (so you can not tell).

What I should say now is that my husband is one of the best, most responsible library card holders around. If they gave out an plaque for 1,000 books returned on time, he would have one and he would be as proud as you can imagine of it. I KID YOU NOT. I think he still has his original card from when he moved to the Houston area circa 1980s, in a box somewhere. Because he is not the type to 'need a replacement cause he left it in the bottom of a bag or something'. So, can you blame him for not letting me use it?

He loves books just like I do. He likes to go to the library like I do. He occasionally takes the kids to the library, not like me you understand. But he is just that kind of guy. A rule follower. A 'only check out a couple books, don't freak out and take half the rack of books and inhale them like they are the candy and it is halloween night' kind of guy.

And he tries to teach the kids this kind of stewardship of book card ownership.

And I guess my job is more to encourage in our children some "controlled chaos" (as I like to call it)... or not so controlled, as the library fines indicate.

But none the less... there is the matter of the fine. And my general lack of that kind of basic care for those types of details. The all good intentions and no follow thru side of me (so to speak).

And I don't know if you have ever owed something. Not like the 'insurance company won't pay a mega corporate hospital for the $95 pill that they gave you and so we will rake you over the coals even though we are in bed with the pharmaceutical company that provided it' kind of way. But, owed someone or did something wrong to them that you knew you shouldn't have done. And you sit with the knowing of it, even if it is small, you still know it is there.

That is what this library fine represents.

And I am forgiving myself of that, but only after I pay the bill... and I don't quite have that kind of cash with me today... well, at least if I am going to get my hair cut this weekend.

AND this is only ONE of the things on my list. (curse word)

Here is a bit of the book that I just finished... a book that I got by stealing my husbands library card from his wallet, downloading it from the local library which I owe almost $200. I did return the ebook on time, I promise, but only because my husband would have noticed the fee.

"You'd think that even a bad doctor on a bad day would feel better than a good drug dealer on a good day, but I suspect that this might not be true. I suspect that drug dealers have days when everything clicks, and it's all buzz buzz buzz, and they chalk off their jobs one by one, and they return home with a sense of accomplishment."

And then there is this from the same book, gotten in the same way...

"When I look at my sins (and if I think they're sins, then they are sins), I can see the appeal of born-again Christianity. I suspect that it's not the Christianity that is so alluring; it's the rebirth. Because who wouldn't wish to start all over again?"

Forgiving myself hurts, because I have to look at my ugliness, like looking the librarian in the eyes and asking how much I owe. But not forgiving myself hurts more, because I sit with it and it becomes bigger the longer I don't face it, like said fine.

I do believe in redemption, after all, don't I? I keep asking.

And then I sing, so I will somehow in the singing... find my voice.

Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow;
No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

(pitchy at best)

Turning the light ON (a different kind of list)

2011-12-31T15:37:00.000-08:00

One of the good things about writing is you can look back at your life and see the struggle, the pain, the craziness, the good stuff, the joy & take it in from an observers perspective. From that perspective, life seems less an overwhelming set of tasks and more something that you should never give up on.

As the new years resolutions roll in (I always have at least a few, if not a hundred) it is hard not to remember the things that fall into the "yet to accomplish" category (other wise known as previous years list FAIL). Looking at these past lists can feel like a huge kick to the face, the guilt smites & guilt is in no way a productive thing... in fact it is just the thing that will keep you from accomplishing your goals.

I kind of think this universal (time) restart of the new year is a beautiful thing in this regard. Think of the Jewish restart of Jubilee... after a 7 year cycle, all things start again... all accounts closed, it is the bigger picture sabbath we all need. Time to recount the year, settle up, forgive and move forward. Time to begin again, and turn that internal light up to it's highest setting.

So with the goal of hitting a reset button on your life, the list that seems most urgent to me is a list of things to forgive myself for. A list of all the things I have not done to care for me... a list that lets go of that guilt and shame and banishes it from the new year and any new work I have in mind.

In one of my favorite books The Healing Light by Agnes Sanford the author talks about our body and spirit being like a lamp filled with Electricity. And in this book she says “As we practice the work of forgiveness we discover more and more that forgiveness and healing are one.”

If we can liken our bodies to a lamp and our spirit as the electric current that flows thru it, then I guess guilt and shame are the things that block the current and keep our light out or dim. And healing via forgiveness is the things that clears that block to our spirit allowing our light to shine.

If this is the key then let me start this new year off with setting as much of it as I can aside. It has, after all, already been forgiven... I mean, do I believe I am redeemed. ???!! I can set to work on beautiful goals for the new year, for healing and forgiving others, caring for others, and self care. But until I set to forgive myself, none of it will matter and I won't move forward in being "the beloved" in living my truest life for Him, my family, myself everyday.

What is required is to become the Beloved in the commonplaces of my daily existence and, bit by bit, to close the gap that exists between what I know myself to be and the countless specific realities of everyday life. - Henri Nouwen in Life of the Beloved

Portrait of a child finding her voice

2011-12-29T19:29:00.000-08:00

A portrait done in edited strokes
Looping her with shadow
Framing her in glow
Tinting, highlighting, neutralizing

Child, for this moment you are not growing
In image and word you stop

You still yield

Like beeswax warmed in your palm

Still so close to Him
But a growing capsule of His expression

In outbreak

Your words

Crisper than an adults

Your voice arriving, high-pitched

Insistant

If I could wash the light over your eyes, I would
But you will be:

Hurt by this world

Hurt by me

Separated from Him

I will listen to your intone
And hope that you know
that you are also:
Firmly, consistently, eternally loved
And tenderly heard

Christmas Conversation

2011-12-25T19:16:00.000-08:00

I have been looking back at this blog and reflecting on some of what I wrote before I stopped writing a couple years ago. This Christmas Eve Conversation post is a painful reminder of a hard Christmas Season that I endured. As I reflect back on that painful time I think about all of the many, many people who are enduring something now, people who are in a hard place during this season of "joy". For many unique reasons the Christmas Season can be very difficult for an overwhelming number of us. Much like church life or Christian life many of us get trapped in the expectations of what a "good Christian", a "good community", or a "good Christmas" should be. We idealize what we & those around us need to create a blissfully happy (that is how we are supposed to feel, right?) Christmas.

But I believe there is a reason that Christmas can feel so difficult, I believe that reason is mysteriously captured in our church calendar during this season of Advent. The struggle, this longing is a deep seated need of all humanity for Him. And in this longing and struggle we tend to explore our brokenness... the ugliness in us surfaces, we bring it out in each other and we bicker, fight, growl... over money, gifts, shopping lists, clean houses, things not being "right"... because well, it really is NOT RIGHT. We are deeply and bitterly in NEED of a savior, deeply in need of redemption.

So we gather round, we tell the stories we all need to hear, we light candles to prove to ourselves that HE HAS COME, we sing songs to help us remember in that deep soulful place that music heals... THE REDEEMER HAS COME! And it is from that place that true JOY overflows. It is from that spot in creation's redemption that we recognize HE is WONDERFUL.

So here is a new CHRISTMAS CONVERSATION. 2 years post season of pain, post darkest days, post Christmas Eve conversation and the feelings of not wanting to join the celebration...

Christmas Conversation

Let me tell you the story
The one I didn't want to hear
Of the Son
Baby, angels, a star
Let it cast light on your darkness
Like traced silhouette
Yes, even now

Set your eyes, child, on that star
Look for it in the East
Like a beacon to follow when nothing else makes sense
Look for it and follow
Even blindly
How long?
As long as it takes

Sing now, the songs you don't feel like singing
Sing it even if mouthing the words
Like practice makes perfect
Your voice will arrive

And your voice will sing
'Redeemer!'
And it will not look anything like what you thought

Crouch there in the dark for a minute

2011-12-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

I have been a little obsessed with the idea of the light coming. Everything I read, see, or have been listening to seems to be echoing a chant...

Please come, Light of the world!

Yet today, the Winter Solstice (darkest day of the year), that sea of thoughts on bringing the light fell into a drifting tide of darkened sadness.

It felt like I couldn't shake the sadness all day and so... I just let myself feel it.

Let me clarify what I mean by sadness because I know sometimes we are afraid to admit that we are sad. I do not mean I was depressed. I was inward reflecting but I was not imploding inward towards depression. Just feeling sad, which is an OK thing to feel.

Listen... just in case no one has ever told you...

It is OK to need. It is OK to want love. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to want more. It is OK to not know. It is OK to look and not see. It is OK to ask why. It is OK to sit and wonder what it will look like. It is OK to be afraid.

It is OK to feel like you are on the edge about to jump and that He is right there with you, saying "Trust Me! The light will come".

So... go ahead...

And that is when the fear comes... did you feel it just now in you, as you read.

Something pulling you from doing whatever that next jump into the darkness is?

If you felt it, you are alive. And that means you need to do it, whatever it is He is asking, all the more.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the darkness. It is overwhelming.

Picture yourself in the darkest room... you hear a noise and your brain fills in the blank of the unknown with the bleakest picture of what it could be. Your brain is getting you ready to fight, hide, run, preparing you for the worst. That is what fear does & it is a cautious yet ultimately, usually, very foolish thing... Cue small cat or a ceiling fan swaying a piece of paper.

It is the things we can not see that scare us the most. Yet God always has us right there on the brink and never shows us. He asks us to trust Him and He asks us to go exactly where we are afraid to go.

But let me tell you, friends, Jump anyway! As you are poised here in the darkest night.

Because, let me tell you, He is faithful and He is good. His faithfulness will always overwhelm the doubt. His light will always illuminate even the darkest fear. It's a promise.

So what if you still are not certain.

The beautiful thing about the God I know is He will be faithful even in the smallest things.

You give Him the tiniest pin prick of a section of your heart and His light floods in thru that tiniest pin prick. It will overtake you. Even when He probably should say to you "Child, give it all or give nothing... I can not do anything with this!!!" But He does not, He takes it and He creates beauty with whatever you give.

So in the coming days as you enter the beauty of Christmas, while lighting that candle Christmas Eve that overwhelms and illuminates the entire room in His glow, please crouch there in the darkness for a minute & walk right up to the cliff of the unknown and step forward into His light.

I'll tell you, but it will make you uncomfortable

2011-12-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

Hiding out

In sub-culture Christianity

Shaking in our ballet flats

Believing that community comes from living with people who share the same playlist

Community is helping an 82 year old bathe

While still letting him maintain dignity

Wiping out the bath tub after he leaves

Shaking off the sheets of a bed filled with crumbs, not from you

Small children crowding you

When you want nothing but space, set aside

It's not sanitary, it is painful

Community is painful

It aches in a way that makes you want it to stop

It makes you uncomfortable to think about

It asks you to "go there" when all you want to do is leave and not look it in the eyes

It unravels you

Spinning like the bobbin of an industrial seamstress at work

And then, it stitches it all back together

Opposite

And it builds

Sculpting, using that same thread, it violently wraps form

It leaves you in it's wake, reminding you that you are dust

The beauty it collects from you is flawless in it's dirty shame

If you really want to know

If you really need me to tell you

I will tell you

But it will make you uncomfortable

It is risky

It will ask you to take it off

It will ask you to give it all and not leave anything

Not a stitch

Then spin it all into that pearl we seek

Handing it to you in cupped hands, a gift

Breaking the silence about my calling

2011-12-16T16:17:00.000-08:00

I haven't written much about one area of my life, and that is my work / my calling.

I guess I have felt like I was learning the past 7 years that I have given to this work & most of the time I was fumbling. But I have some stuff to say about being a women in ministry or maybe it is more that I have some stuff to say about me & how God has led me to this work. Being that you have to start somewhere...

I will start here, with something I was asked to write and share with the staff of Ecclesia (the church I work for) about a year ago. Actually everyone on staff was asked to write about their calling, and it was the first time I articulated the story of the path that lead me to my work (at least in writing).

I hope you enjoy this story and I hope it leads you to ask what part of His story you are in now... what is He birthing in you, what community does He have for you, what is a frozen place in you that you will be thawed out from?

My sense of calling

My sense of calling is best defined in a story or with an image, like the one above, which

tells the story better than I ever could.

I feel like God was talking to me about serving Ecclesia before I even knew it existed.

God used a simple story, read to my kids at bedtime, of an Ugly Duckling who finds

community. He showed me that He had a place for me, a place where His beauty

would shine brightly in me and where I would belong. He showed me the dark frozen

places I had been ashamed of and helped me realize that my desire “to swim” was not

as silly as everyone around me seemed to think. And even more importantly it had

been placed there, lovingly, by Him.

When I came to Ecclesia it was because God was pulling me here. And I donʼt think He

was particularly subtle about it. I remember driving and praying and feeling like my

spirit was unsettled. I remember asking God what was going on, I felt like God and I

were boxing it out. He clearly showed me what I was experiencing was not wrestling, it

was birthing. I wondered what God was up to and immediately went home and pulled

up a pod cast of Chris and told Vyk that we needed to visit Ecclesia.

The Sunday we arrived at Ecclesia for the first time it happened to be the first Sunday of

Advent. When I walked into the church, I looked up and on screen was an image of a

women “with child”. Chrisʼ sermon ... “What is God birthing in you”. God had my

attention! I looked at Vyk with tears in my eyes, he had the same look. I remember

feeling like God said to me “OK you are here, now roll your sleeves up and get to

work”. I really had no idea what was in store for me!

I feel like my calling has just been a faithful step by step obedience. A simple ”OK, I will

do this next thing”. I am not sure what I would have done if He showed me where it

would lead, but He just asked me to do one thing after another and I followed. He did

give me a glimmer that He was up to something by showing me that all important

symbol of a swan in a cloud as I drove to my first meeting as a volunteer with the kids

ministry that was just starting to form. I had no idea what He was asking me to do, no

idea what He would gift me with. What a pleasure it is to do His work, what joy it brings

me. And even in times of burn out, when God asked me to lay down this work, I did it

with a prayer that He would use me again to serve Him as beautifully.

The song of the me that is now

2011-12-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

Complexity in it's heart

Feelings alive, once past

Age being a vehicle for spirit

Igniting in something sweet

Even still

Something to offer

After seasons of desert hunger

the burn now lends it's way to the after

Something sweet, even past this

But what becomes of this pattern

What is highlighted in the now I offer?

Not anything of habitual newness

Instead sweet listening ear

Insightful depth

Bright hope

I can not imagine something more

Although imagining has it's place

Teacher come and spark this light

Learned to learn

Then to unlearn

Father come and set it it square

Walk earnestly, eagerly

Even if it is misplaced

Courage In Grief

2011-12-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

I called you brave

you laughed and said bravery has nothing to do with it

you were right right to speak it out loud

I called you brave out of awe of something I spotted in you that I fail to see in myself

Maybe it is less bravery than the ability to put on a brave face

Your character, always with joke ready to lighten the room

your eyes, always bright and bold, flashing with wit, never cloudy

It is a trait within a family that I never quite had

I remember feeling less than brave

I was simply afraid

Did I greet you at the receiving line with a smile?

I barely remember a receiving line, but if there was one,

I was only there with tear stained cheeks and eyes down

I called you honorable , ‘the honorable daughter’

you laughed and said you had no choice

you were right,

you said so because we were close enough to be bold

I called you honorable watching you attend to her so affectionately

even in those final sacred moments when death is in the room

maybe it was less honorable than honoring

maybe it was just out of a deep deep love

but you made her death humane, even beautiful

I remember feeling so afraid

afraid of the hospital room, the noises, but mostly afraid of her being sick

I remember everything I did not do, the times I was not there to attend to her

I wish I could have been more like you

more free with my affection, even when deeply afraid

I know I was there for her in many ways but the moments I was not

play over and over

Courageous, honorable, strong, and brave

all words I never felt I was

not in the middle of the night, tears, salted, mixing into warm bath water

countless nights spent with grief seeping out in those baths

my guess is you feel less than those things now

my guess is those words are not what you see inside

when you muster up the strength to even start to look

but, oh still, I see courage in your grief!

Choose Civility (A Street Art Campaign in the making)

2011-12-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

Apparently in Howard County, MA they are Choosing Civility.

Which as far as I am concerned is pretty cool.

All it took was the library, friends of the county, and local colleges to agree to start a campaign. Some bumper stickers and a few meetings later...
Civility was adopted. That simple.

Here are the 15 principles of Civility that the county is adopting (from the book
Choosing Civility: The 25 Rules of Considerate Conduct).

Pay attention
Listen
Speak kindly
Assume the best
Respect others' opinions
Respect other people's time and space
Be inclusive
Acknowledge others
Accept and give praise
Apologize earnestly
Assert yourself
Take responsibility
Accept and give constructive criticism
Refrain from idle complaints
Be a considerate guest

I laugh at the quote from their website:
"While Howard County aims to enhance its own quality of life through Choose Civility, the initiative is benefitting communities in the region and beyond, as others are inspired to implement similar initiatives."

Apparently they can share in Howard County too.

So, I just decided I am going to CHOOSE CIVILITY too.
But I kind of see more of a graffiti effort here in Houston.
If you see street art with "Choose Civility" you'll know I've been busy.

The part that was too painful to share

2011-12-09T22:30:00.001-08:00

There is this part

The part that was too painful to share

So I held it here, just here, in my tight hands

And it melted down to my belly round

(pain sits in your belly if you do not share)

So I held this part and it was dark

That part, was the darkest part so far

And I tried to push and it wouldn't move

I tried to speak and you couldn't hear

So I kept that part

And the darkest part was the strangest part

And the hardest part was too much,

Much too much to share

So I kept it here

I'm sorry, but I kept it here

And that part is round and it keeps things in

It keeps me from all kinds of things

And I cry at night sometimes

Replaying, just that small part

Like you recorded that part

And I try to push and I try to speak

But that part is hard so I grunt and scream

And they mess with me

Stop f***ing messing with me

Let me feel this part

One Day -MLK day

2009-01-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

One Day
(Adapted from the famous Martin Luther King, Jr speech.)

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in my faith and knowledge of a God who redeems.

I have a dream that one day this relationship will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "To love as Christ loves us."

I have a dream that one day on the street of Indiana my husband and myself will be able to sit down together at a table of mutual strength.

I have a dream that one day even as broken as we are, as hurting and desperate, sweltering with the heat of distrust and fear, we will be transformed into an oasis of forgiveness and joy.

I have a dream that my two children will one day live in a family where they will have a loving, healthy relationship modeled and therefore choose a mate by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

Parables

2009-01-09T23:59:00.000-08:00

The kids (at Ecclesia) are entering a new block on parables and while looking up some for a new yoga based movement we are doing. I read this (Mathew 13:44 & 45)...

The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure that is hidden in a field. A crafty man found the treasure buried there and buried it again so no one would know where it was. Thrilled, he went off and sold everything he had, and then he came back and bought the field with the hidden treasure part of the bargain.

Or the kingdom of heaven is like a jeweler on the look out for the finest pearls. When he found a pearl more beautiful & valuable than any jewel he had ever seen, the jeweler sold all he had and bought that pearl, his pearl of great price.

The parables just amaze me. I love teaching them to the kids because it is definitely one of those cases of them teaching us. When I read these I see the precious nature of God the fact that he asks us to give it all but gives us something precious and all consuming and forever valuable at the same time. He asks all of us, then overwhelms us with his giving. If only we could see (as we are asked to give up) the beauty he has for us... I am sure we would give it all!

I definitely feel this paradigm in my life right now. I am almost perplexed by the fact that I was asked to give up something (house, comfort, ownership, security) and now feel like not only did I not loose anything I am overwhelmed by how happy and blessed I am. It really is everything I "lost" was an illusion, and God's reality has now had a chance to take root.

Then the other two I love. The mustard seed & the yeast. The idea of that small amount of yeast / a small seed growing and expanding. It is something I have experienced about the nature of God, it is one of my favorite things about His heart.... the well of love, and beauty that comes from such small effort. It is the acts of love that go unnoticed but then suddenly are all around us. It is the way that caring for a room can suddenly bring everyone who enters love. Or the way your small effort (done in obedience) suddenly becomes a catalyst for others and radiates out. It is hard to explain, yet so simple... Jesus did an amazing job trying to show us His kingdom and all it holds for us. Makes you want to give and do more doesn't it?

2009

2009-01-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

Since 2009 started I have been re reading and re watching everything David Wolfe.
One of the "David Wolfe things" is writing goals. He asks you to write down 100 goals.
I believe it is in an effort to get you to push the limits of what you want to accomplish... to empty your mind of everything that you think "I could never pull that off" about.

For someone who is & has been in the middle of such life change... I think having a resolution list is silly... I am in the middle of a resolution list.. in fact this blog is a resolution list. But I have discovered the same truth as David Wolfe. When you write it down, it comes true. AND the more specific the better.

I have however, as the New Year has begun, focused on one of my resolutions on this blog. It is one that has a natural start after a holiday of almost constant eating out and honestly ending in my being sick of everything that I need to stop eating... it does make you feel bad after all. So, my main new years resolution will be on my OTHER blog. Yes, get ready for my weight to be posted again and ALL to be laid out in an effort for accountability and helping me free my life of my biggest and most hurtful addiction.

But for here...
100 Goals for 2009

1. Be free of food addiction
2. Heal my relationship with Vyk
3. Heal my relationship with Astrid
4. Enjoy my daily routine
5. Enjoy my life
6. Give of myself fully
7. Don't hold back
8. Financial Peace
9. 1,000 for emergencies that stays put
10. car paid off
11. give lots of $
12. give lots
13. Love
14. Finish the playground
15. Bring love into the children' space
16. Bring love to Ecclesia
17. Love in small ways
18. Share in large ways
19. Be beautiful
20. Feel beautiful
21. Feel sexy
22. Go on more dates with my husband
23. Go on more mother/ daughter dates
24. Be with Gus fully
25. Have strong attachments with everyone in my family
26. Vent less
27. Breathe more
28. Feel more
29. Keep my house organized
30. Keep things as simple in my home as they are now
31. Use $ to purchase fairly
32. Crave raw foods.
33. Try foods I have never tried.
34. Constantly learn about food
35. Seek God in all I do
36. Seek God in the simple things
37. Love God with all my heart, mind, soul
38. Have a deeper relationship with God
39. Be His hands and feet
40. Incarnate
41. Find my place in my new community
42. Find a friend for Astrid who is CLOSE
43. Go to Cherryhurst park all the time
44. Go to Discovery Green all the time
45. Get a 3 wheel bike to ride around
46. Soak in the sun
47. Enjoy being outside daily
48. Be active
49. Laugh often
50. Make new relationships
51. Nurture the relationships that bring me life
52. Edit time with people who do not bring me life
53. Forgive
54. Forgive
55. Forgive
56. Pray unceasingly
57. Let go of the hurt I hold in my gut
58. Detox
59. Detox emotionally
60. Let God heal... do not be afraid
61. Loose 100 lbs
62. Loose a person
63. Have skin that glows
64. Have to buy an entirely new wardrobe
65. Look on the outside as changed as I am on the inside
66. Enjoy my new home
67. Entertain more
68. Discuss more things that are important to me
69. Have more deep discussion
70. Have more girls night out with precious friends
71. Meet Leo Mueller... spend more time with the Mueller Family
72. Create annual family events
73. Be the woman that I want Astrid to learn from
74. Drink more water
75. Work on my art
76. Create a new curriculum
77. Be in a new building
78. Uncover hidden abilities
79. Spend intentional time with James
80. Share with James what he needs
81. Be good to those that I love
82. Have more lunches with Dad
83. Release Grief
84. Be the best me ever
85. Eat cleanly
86. Have green smoothies or juice daily
87. Have a salad daily
88. Buy more for myself from Etsy
89. Get my hair cut regularly
90. Have $ in the bank past my wildest expectations.
91. Give more $ than I ever thought possible
92. Finish everything
93. Get a composter
94. Start a garden
95. Grocery shop weekly
96. Eat out less
97. Have sex more
98. Heal from Gus' birth
99. Learn from and fully connect with all the children God has given me to care for
100. Have the best marriage ever!

Christmas Eve Conversation

2008-12-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

me -

I don't feel like celebrating! I don't feel like singing songs and hearing stories of redemption. What about my redemption? What about redemption for my family? What about redemption for my marriage?

bigG-

I told you... I am working on it.

me-

But I am so tired. I am worn out. I can not do it any longer. Why can't redemption come now? I did everything you asked. Except.. well, that, that, that.. I am working on, I am planning on it.

bigG-

Why not now?

me-

too hard, too much all at once. And I am so hurt, and he...

bigG-

I am not asking you to trust him, I am asking you to trust me.

me-

I know. But you expect... everything... it is so hard.

bigG-

It is so hard? And this is easy?

me-

No this is TOO hard. I can not stand it.

bigG-

So why not now?

me-

OK... tell me the story again. The one about redemption. I am listening.

"Flat Living"s Favorite Things

2008-12-20T22:09:00.000-08:00

OK my whirlwind shopping and Christmas preparation is almost over already. Never underestimate the power of a good list.

Handmade being high in priority and fair trade... I feel like I get better every year with reaching these goals. Hand made is becoming popular, more accessible and more people are offering alternatives to mass production... plus I just accumulate favorites as I seek it more and more.

Here are some of my favorite things ... just for fun!

"Simple" shoes for Gus (I have some of their tennis shoes and love them) and I was looking for some really comfy shoes for my dad... and I stumbled upon a special "black friday" special for every Friday of the month. It was not black Friday... it was yesterday... and it offered over 50% off these shoes for Gus. They also offered free shipping so for exactly $11.76 I got the cutest little shoes for his cutest little piggies.
I also got the most amazing toy for him. A wooden personalized cell phone from Etsy from a shop called Kinderhaus toys. It has "Hello Gus" written inside.
Guitar Pick for James from Etsy. Engraved with the words "FATAL DESIRE" (his metal band said with serious attitude). And as James says... it is not just the band it is a saying... like "That is so Fatal Desire" meaning? Not sure? This will make James happy... that I am sure of.
Toms shoes for Vyk. They have a holiday campaign called ONE for ONE For every pair you buy they give a pair to a child in Ethiopia. And, happily Vyk has wanted a pair and never gotten them. Simple black slip on shoes are exactly my hubbies style.
The Voice new testament for my dad... gotta plug the pastor's/ editor bestest friend's merch. My dad loves the bible and it is fun to talk over the project with him after he reads it and has opinions to share. I am also getting him some handcrafted SAS shoes to help him not fall.
For Astrid who wanted a lockable journal and a kids craft book. I was happy to find the perfect version of both with this and this at Olympia Books. Olympia books is quite possibly the coolest. They were right in the forefront of handmade and really too cool for me... but not for Astrid.
And my absolute favorite gift to receive. I have gotten this gift 2 years straight from hubbie. My favorite artist in the form of a yearly calendar... Nikki McClure. Plus I got a bunch of her books for "Gus"/ me to read to Gus.

He put a new song in my mouth

2008-12-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

“Have Yourself a Peace and Justice Christmas” (to the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”). Thanks Soujourners!

Have Yourself a Peace and Justice Christmas

Have yourself a peace and justice Christmas,
Set your heart a-right.
Flee the malls and focus on Christ’s guiding light.

Have yourself a peace and justice Christmas,
Give your time a way.
Share God’s love, And serve “the least of these” today.

Here we are, as we pray for peace,
We’ll live simply and give more.
We care for those far and near to us,
Which brings cheer to us, once more.

God brings down
The haughty from high places,
And lifts up the low.
God cares for the hungry and the humble, so –
Forget the stress and let the peace and justice flow!

"This The Season"

2008-12-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

So. I have been in a sickness induced fog and as I surface ... Christmas is upon us. Generally my family fully embraces the entire advent season and we wait in anticipation... but this year... it snuck up on us! Even the snow last week just brought about more sickness after the rejoicing. And I am really unprepared.

I guess in away it is good. Because there has been no Christmas induced stress. I have not seen the inside of a mall or for that matter a store. BUT I was not able to make it to my 2 favorite shopping events for hand made / artisan crafted/ fair trade gifts either.

For Christmas we have already gone pretty "flat" year to year. The tradition is simple and balanced and healthy and we do not spend too much or stress too much.
I have been convicted to just make it as fun and magical as possible while balancing budget and being a "green nazi"

Here is a great article from health in high heels and the note from her daughter pretty much sums it up. We have to be careful in our attempt to celebrate differently to still celebrate.

I feel a bit sorry for my kids who have a slightly embittered environmentalist mother who tells them, "NO! We're not killing a tree! "Wrapping paper is a waste! People spend so much money buying junk and the world doesn't need all that waste! Don't even get me started on the toxicity of candy canes and gingerbread and CHOCOLATES!" Well, I'm not sure what the world needs, but I know it certainly doesn't need a crabby old boot for a mother, either! There's a boundary between eco-living and eco-terrorism. I didn't realize that my rantings were coming off with negativity, until my daughter wrote me this on a piece of colored stationery:

Dear Mom

i Like Crismas

I know

youdo not Like

Crismas but

I do.

I want

for crismas:

a momtobe

Happy

Love: yor Gril

So while that is the don't ... Here are my dos:

Firstly and probably the best thing I do... I do not shop until AFTER black Friday or as some of us like to call it "No Shopping Day". I know a lot of people shop early and avoid the "shopping" season entirely... but I find if I shop early I spend more than I should. And it is not like I stop early if I start early... I just keep shopping.
We make a list and check it twice... Otherwise known as a budget. We know what we have to spend and we spend that... figuring out how to adapt the list to the $ we have.
We pay cash and do not charge. No January bill to threaten our after holiday spirit.
We buy a tree very close to Christmas Eve (when they are massively reduced) and decorate for Christmas Eve and do not take down everything until Epiphany. We will buy a live tree this year. I go back and forth between recycling a cut tree and buying a live tree... the live tree generally dies anyway... hence the dilemma. I also have a great trick that is stylish and free... I ask the people who trim the tree for any scraps and usually can take as much as I want.. these limbs are great to decorate with.
I shop handmade first, used second, and steer clear of anything made in China.
Electronics are a big one.. this year for instance we are getting Astrid a IPod shuffle that has been refurbished which cuts back on the fact that buying electronics is pretty bad for the environment... and it is $10 cheaper. All of the clothes we buy for Christmas as gifts or seasonal dressing are used and have been for a couple years now. It really adds up in a lot of ways... and you avoid stores during the holidays which helps with stress & $.
For wrapping paper I usually indulge in one "pretty" roll of wrapping paper and also buy one roll of recycled craft paper which Astrid and I decorate with printed pictures, stamps, etc... whatever the theme/ colors are for the year.

I am scarily behind on my shopping and even planning. I have literally purchased 2 gifts...
1.) For James - a silver guitar pick with "Fatal Desire" from Etsy.
2.) For Astrid- the refurbished IPod with the engraving "Rose Petal Girl"

I have also worked on remaking a label for Vanilla & Cinnamon Agave Nectar. I got the idea from a free site called the toymaker (free paper toys in case you need some fun stuff for stockings) and recreated a Vanilla Sugar label to read "Agave".
I just purchased a big thing of agave and I am going to purchase small squeeze bottles to label and place agave with cinnamon and vanilla beans to infuse for a yummy treat to cook or sweeten warm winter beverages. This is the gift this year for all of the people I want to give "something" to to show that I love them.

And of course "Living Water Bottles" will be in stockings, with gifts, and on their own.
The kids did a great job this year and I barely got the project finished because of how sick I have been. But they are done! These bottles are made to let friends and family know that we choose to give to living water as part of our giving. It is part of advent conspiracy.

So since Christmas is 10 days away I better get off of here and get onto my planning and executing. Wish me luck and may your season be super bright!

The ER Visit RANT -part 2

2008-12-06T16:35:00.000-08:00

So... after that enormous rant... it was not really over.

See... about a week after the visit Astrid & Gus both started having sniffles and then a cough. No big deal. Then the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving as I was getting everything perfect and the kids were sleeping... Astrid woke up and said she could not breathe. She started throwing up and it was really scary! I tried to keep her calm... she was breathing... just really afraid and I think her throat kind of felt like it was closing up. I got her to go into the bathroom to breathe steam and she threw up some more. Her fever started to climb. And she soon had a high fever over 102. I gave her water and soon she had calmed down and slowly went back to sleep.
She calmed down but I felt uneasy. I had had RSV symptoms drilled down my throat from Gus' stay in the NICU. Plus his lungs were not fully developed when he was born which put him at higher risk. I had heard horror stories of RSV causing young babies to not breathe and weeks and months in Texas Childrens because of it. When we had taken the infant CPR class the instructor had told us that RSV causes a mucus plug to form and that plug in older kids can be coughed up or thrown up but in tiny babies they can not and this is what causes them to stop breathing.

I had this feeling... deep inside. My kids were sick, but it was no ordinary cold or flu.
Sure enough on Thanksgiving day... Astrid's temp climbed to over 103 and Gus just still had a cough and started sounding a little "rattley". I did what is very uncharacteristic of me... I took my kids to the doc. I mean I do take my kids to the doc... but not unless they are really sick and not with a virus. I have a motto... "The less I take them to the doc the less they are sick" and it is true.

When we walked into the docs office I told her about the ER and I told her about my kids symptoms and I told her I thought that it might be RSV. She went ahead and swabbed Gus' nostrels. Astrid's lungs were good, Gus had a rattle. He had RSV.
I said "I knew it" almost in a happy way.... which I guess was weird. But I just was happy that I trusted my instincts and acted on them. I knew my kids were very sick.

Gus was sent home with a breathing treatment (Albuteral) and Astrid was sent home with some ways to make her more comfortable as she got well. She told me what to look for as far as Gus... when not breathing from the virus (normal) becomes not getting enough oxygen and requires emergency care.

He has been fine... it has been just over a week and he hardly needs the breathing treatments. Neither of them ever developed any infections... no bronchitis or pneumonia. We are very lucky and very blessed. I have it now... but it is not a big deal with adults... usually not as bad as the flu. I would call it cold like.

But it could have been much worse. RSV can make children stop breathing or easily hospitalize them... esp very young kids under a year. And all of this from visiting the ER. I know that is where we caught it. The symptoms fit the incubation period perfectly. And even after the diagnoses... the doc said she would still take her kids to Texas Childrens over other hospitals. I ask again... REALLY? This is the best we can do? Am I wrong in thinking it could be/ should be better? What are we really talking about here...

That people (all people) should be able to get adequate health care... esp for their kids.
That an ER should be more about the care of people then checking them in and running them through.
That kids who are showing signs of communicable disease should not be placed next to kids who are healthy or for that matter sick.
That people who are attending to the sick as they wait should be courteous, caring, and compassionate... instead of jaded, cold, and bureaucratic.
That there should never be a back log on a week night that looks like a war zone.
That only people with actual emergencies would have to go to emergency rooms... not people who have no other option to care for their kids.

Too much to ask? I do not think so! This is the state of our "health care" (even does not do a good job of bringing health or caring for us) system and it will only get worse until it is fixed.
It will effect more and more of us. More and more of the small percentage of people who are isolated from it like me. Until we get tired of it and decided we want something more.

The ER Visit RANT -part 1

2008-11-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

I began this post a couple weeks ago. Let me post it as it was and then at the end I will update you with more in part 2.

Last night we were having dinner in the living room because we had not set up the dining room table. We were all eating around a small table I had decided to use as a coffee table... mainly because I thought it would be safer for our newly cruising Gus. Gus was standing at the table with his new clean canteen cup kind of throwing it around, participating in the dinner by making all of us grab our food and hold it in our laps. He kind of started to rock and then boom! Before I could figure out what happened he was on the ground crying table on top of him and his head on top of the table... I still do not really know what happened. My dad after surveying the table decided it is top heavy and probably not good to let him cruise at it... geesh, really?

Vyk grabbed the screaming baby boy and scooped him up in the way only a daddy can to care for him. As he did I saw blood... and quite a bit. I yelled "there is blood" as I followed him to the bathroom. He ran water on his finger which by now we had determined was hurt. I looked down as he worked and saw his finger cut very deeply as the blood ran down the drain. I said "Vyk, we have to go to the hospital... while I grab clothes think of what hospital we are going to and how we need to get there."
We jumped in the car and were off. Astrid was so upset so I calmed her as we drove... Gus was already pretty calm and had stopped crying.

Vyk decided to go to Texas Children's Hospital. A good choice since we live close to the med center and it is a good hospital. Also, he spent a week in the NICU there so they should have our insurance info, etc... making it simpler.
When we arrived we saw a short line at check in and it did not seem to bad. We waited 30 minutes as his bandage became soaked with blood and I became more and more anxious. Around us were children in every state of sick you can imagine. Mostly coughing, wheezing, clinging to mom, and even throwing up. We were the only person there that looked like we belonged in an ER vs a doctors office. BUT, there were 100's of people waiting. I was struck by how many of the moms I talked to were complacent and compliant with the "process" many explained it to me... in a "Oh honey, sit down.. you are going to be here a while" way... "I have doen this many times.. it takes a while"...

Many children were far sicker then Gus. Many needed to have breathing treatments while they waited. Some were waiting to be admitted to the hospital... Apparently when there are not enough beds this is the only way to get in! REALLY?

It took us hmm 2-3 hrs to be seen... and get a gauze bandage on Gus' finger (which he pulled off shortly afterward)... then it took him another 2-3 hours to be X rayed. At some point we decided to ask if we should go home and make an appointment for the morning... to which we were told "Oh no. He will need care tonight... there is a 8 hr window to suture his finger!"
Then as 8 hrs came and went... they said it was a 8-10 hr window. We were in the ER for about 11-12 hours... give or take drive, park, maybe I am remembering the minutes wrong. Seriously 12 hours. And while we waited we all were with very sick children coughing, throwing up, etc around us.

I am not sure... maybe I am completely wrong in my assessment... but it seemed to me that this was inadequite care. I could not believe (in my apparent naivety) that this was the best we can do as a country to care for our children! Let me remind you of a few facts... this is Texas Children's Hospital... not Ben Taub... this one of THE BEST hospitals esp for children in the country! Also, not that it should matter... but we are insured.. and just for the sake of the record we have excellent insurance.

If I could do it all over again... I think I might have tried driving a bit further into the suburbs to the hospital where I had Astrid... I am not sure it would have been better... but I am pretty sure. I might have even found one of those 24 hour clinics just to go ahead and get it bandaged, x rayed and sutured. I know that the person who sutured him (while I feel fine about the job she did) was not any better then someone there... she was a resedent and had to have someone come and walk her through it. It was obviously her first time removing a finger nail and reattaching it on a tiny finger. Even the shot to numb the finger she had to be walked through... so yeah... I am not sure the care would have been worse.

Then, to add insult to injury... my baby who has had nothing but food in his body... no immunizatons, no antibiotics... they perscribed an antibiotic for. When I questioned them... they said "He has been sitting in a waiting room with an open wound for 12 hours... with sick people... he needs an antibiotic." REALLY!

Yeah, so I ask again... Is this the best we can do? As a country? To care for our children?
And I am not so naive that I do not understand that we are lucky! We are lucky for the care (however sub standard it seemed) that we received.
It was very obvious to me that the system... our health care system in this country is not OK. IT is very sick! And that the backlog in ERs across the country (even in good hospitals) is a product of this. It means that NO ONE gets adiquite care. It means that esp the least of these among us get horrific care in a country that has all of the resources available to it...

Flat Living (the reality edition)

2008-11-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

OK so it is not in theory any more.
Astrid is in school 2nd week. She is loving it. We have moved MOST everything from the old house. We have had a garage sale, have listings on craigslist (fridge, baby swing, dryer anyone?). We are walking every morning instead of driving, we are buying only what is in the budget, we are on our way.

This past week was a bit of a bump in the budgeting road. And both of us feel like big losers because of it. We just spent too much on eating out with all of the moving and not really being unpacked in the kitchen. But really, overall... we are now budgeting machines! It is so much easier when it is not overwhelming! I create the spreadsheet and make sure the money envelopes are all filled with the right amount, and Vyk is the executer for the most part. We finally figured out our gifting and are using them to our benefit. Kathy plan, Vyk execute.

Overall, I LOVE the new life! I still have lots to work on... it did not put an end to all of our problems... but it did breathe new life into our lives! Flat Living is about living into the beauty of God's plan for our lives... which is actually abundance... it just might look a bit different then what everyone thought "abundance" was supposed to but for us it is beauty! Pure and Simple!

The first night we moved in... Vyk found a book in the attic called "Christ the Leader" by a man named Russell. It appears to be a Catholic book on theology used either to educate lay people or possibly preists. It is dated 1936 (the year the house was built) and has our address plus a name "Elwood Lyons". Pretty cool! Vyk and I have both talked about the sense of peace we have had in the new house. We have been more harmonious and working together better as a team. Vyk has been leading with out "bulldozing" and I have been nurturing without "nagging"... more.
I tend to believe in Maya Angelou's take on words kind of soaking into a place into the walls, the upholstery, etc. But in this case, I am also sure that when you set out to live the way God wants you to live in a place and you let God guide you to the place... you are more than a little likely to find peace waiting for you when you get there. Kind of makes me wonder why we never did it like this before... oh yeah, we thought we had it all figured out :) HA!

New Era

2008-11-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

OK I have to catch up the blog.
It has been a busy couple of weeks so here I go on a whirlwind blog session.

First of all... the week of Nov 4, Election day. We literally moved the week of the election. As I drove back and forth from our suburban 4 bedroom in a older area of West Houston to our new home right in the heart of Montrose... I realized that this was not just a new era for the country... but a marked historical moment for the Yeager family. Let me tell you the whole story...

We moved to West Houston/ Katy to help with James days after my mom died. We knew that he would need us and so we moved close enough to him for him to ride his bike over to our apartment. This was in April of 2000. Do you see where I am going with this? I got pregnant, and then Bush won the election... I voted for another candidate who shall remain nameless... but lets just say I knew my vote in Katy would not count so I voted for "someone" who was a long shot but I felt my vote would be at least "seen" voting for him. I was really saddened at the results of the election. I had actually voted against Bush and been heartbroken one time already... When he (as far as I am concerned) unexpectedly stole the Governor race from the beloved Ann Richards! Which by the way was my first election to vote in... so my entire voting life has been spent voting against Bush only to loose. :( Sour grapes! Then I had Astrid in January of 2001, 9 11 happened, and another Bush election... this time seriously heartbreaking because of what I KNEW this election stood to loose. And indeed in those 4 years we did loose all that I had feared and more. During the 2004 election Vyk and I felt like fish out of water in the Katy area... a VERY pro Republican / right wing area of town. It felt like we were alone in our grief.

So, as you can imagine... when I realized that I was moving right as the new president came to office it seemed a bit well timed. I guess you could accuse me of siding with the ruling party... or at least living among them... but I promise that is not the case. I do however feel like our move is timed with the rest of the country and is a predictor of the new climate of America.
All of the sudden themes of this blog are making headlines... becoming free of debt and living on less is a requirement as we learn how our greed has made a gigantic mess of things.

In the larger picture our move mirrors the climate of the country... but from our small perspective... the change the country is seeking is mirroring ours. The rejoicing and sense of hope brought on by this election and this inauguration is mirroring the hope we feel in our new home and as we plan for our major change and flat living.

So, if you did not vote for Obama and you are feeling a sense of loss... feeling afraid because of all the questions this win stirs up for the future of the country... sorry. But, honestly... I have felt that for a very long time and it is about time someone besides me felt it!
Take a short moment and even in your sadness... be a little happy for me and my family. For our hope, change, and joy. Then you can go right back to being bummed.

Schools

2008-11-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

The search for THE school/ home/ community/ place for you & your child.
It might seem like that should be an easy task... find a good school district, a home close and community will follow. But if my friends & I are any indication it is not as easy as it should be.
To be fair... I think we want more... more then just the right school... I read this the other day and it seemed to be just what I am trying to express in the changes I have set out to make...

"...to live a life that is always giving itself away and yet is always full.... Beneath all our yearning for whatever glitters brightest in this world lies our yearning for this kind of life...."
Frederick Buechner

For some reason I have at least 3 friends on the quest for the right school... they are all prepaired to do anything or move almost anywhere (the family of my daughter's best friend at her current school is seriously considering Scotland)... just to find a good education for their children.
And I am not one to talk. School rose to the top of our priority list as we realized we were paying tuition and needed to adjust life around school instead of just coping. If traditional public school was not an option... then we needed to work our finances around that.

So as we (and several of our friends) set out to find the right school... several things seems to be motivating factors in the quest. Feel free to add to this list in the comments.

1. Education that is better then public standard US education which is substandard (yeah, I said it... it is a fact. Look at the statistics, our public education system is in as much of a tale spin as our economy).
2. Community where our children can have playmates that are close. Think the kid a couple doors down that loves to hang out everyday. Yeah, I don't know anyone that has that kind of life anymore. Maybe it is just me... or maybe it is not. But, I am hoping to find it in our new home and in our new community. Wish me luck that it will at least be closer.
3. Education that teaches a love of learning. I know I have done this for Astrid so far... I just want to keep it up FOREVER.
4. Education that integrates the arts and projects into learning... no worksheets please!
5. Education that has our children learning at their own pace. Where different learning styles can be embraced. A high achiever, and a beautifuly slow dreamer can both get their needs met.
6. Education that understands the needs of the whole child. That understands that a mind needs some stretching to grow.
7. Education that does not treat children like they are mass animals going through life day in day out. Education with joy and life.
8. Education that goes outside. That explores.
9. Education that encourages the inquisitive nature of children. When I am looking at schools, I can always tell a good teacher by the way the class responds to a visitor. Are they inquisitive, social, polite, and unafraid to ask questions? Good job teach!
10. Animals. I have to add this one, because that was a big factor for Astrid. She loves having animals in her classroom.
11. Parent community. Other parents who do not just drop off their kids and never think about their kids learning, environment, and who do what is needed (in community) to make their kids school the best it can be. From what I hear, at Wilson... I will have about half the parents in this boat and half in the other.

________________________________________________________________
I am hoping to find all of this... or at least most of it at Wilson Montessori (also known as Wilson Elementary). Public Montessori. YES! I know it will have it's draw backs. I know it might not be like the private education that Astrid and I are used to.

The school is big. That is frightening to a child who has never gone to a school with not much more than 100 kids. But, after visiting the school on Friday Astrid's favorite part was the library. She was like "THEY HAVE A LIBRARY INSIDE the SCHOOL!" "How big is it?" "That is sooo cool!" :)
The art classroom (of course) impressed me. It was floor to ceiling with supplies. It is enough to make this art supply loving girl sing. But, for Astrid (the apple doesn't fall far)... When I asked if she was ready to go... she replied "no, I want to stay and do the project."
The music room impressed Vyk. The teacher had taken the time to cut out pictures of all kinds of different cultural art and faces. Words were cut along with it to make a collage. The instruments were lining the walls... all kinds of fun to be had... it made you want to go in and make some music.
But all 3 of us were impressed by the Science & Math room. Which was like a practical paradise of knowledge just waiting to be explored. Walking sticks, python, crickets (don't tell Astrid... but they were lunch). Books at a child's reach. And Math & Science is integrated into Art & Music. Yes, the teachers talk to each other... I know it is amazing!

And Girl Scouts. I am so excited... because there is a good girl scout troop that meets at the school. I am hoping this is another way to plug into the school and get more of a feeling of community that we were lacking with private education.

And can I say... I am excited to have Astrid in a non exclusive setting. Now, I might want to take this all back when she has to deal with her first really mean kid. But for now... some of what I did not like about a private education... only the upper $ demographic being at the school... will not be a concern.

So, what will all of the parents searching come up with for their children and their education?
Scotland, Austin, private schools all over the city, commutes, magnets, home school, co-ops... on and on. I wish them all luck! I am lucky to know and work with some amazing kids and families! And these kids are lucky to have parents who care so much about how they are learning.

Green Baby

2008-10-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

OK I can not title this post "green baby" without mentioning my new favorite baby store in Houston... Bebe Verde (Green Baby) on W Alabama.
If you have not been, find an excuse to go and support a great local store.
So, now that I have plugged them with my blog title.

I wanted to talk about feeding Gus.
Gus was introduced to Greens last week and loved it and here are pics to prove it.
If you can not see the color... his little food mustache is green.

It is funny. Because before I had him I looked everywhere for a good raw baby book.
I thought... "really, why has no one made a great raw baby book?" Well, now I know.
It is such a no brainer... there is no need for a book! I mean feeding a baby raw foods is easier then anything I ever did to feed Astrid. I made my own baby food with her... and it wasn't hard... but raw makes that look like a complicated mess.

I guess the blender is the secret. Having such a high powered blender (Vitamix) does help.
But I believe 100% you could do it with any blender.

My tips have to include this... the Munchkin. It is a miracle of modern parenting. You put the raw chunks of food into a mesh pouch that shuts and baby can hold and gum til his teething hearts content. It works amazingly for avocado, banana, and apples, nectarines, peaches, pears, etc. Or for putting in frozen blended baby food which satisfies Gus' teething woos much more then any frozen plastic teether ever could.

So blending and spooning is all that feeding your baby raw involves.
I mean here are the instructions... check out how easy my mornings are...
Raw pear w/ skins and all into the Vitamix
Add a handful of spinach and a bit of water if it needs a bit of help getting going.
Blend (Gus does not like this part so I need to sooth him while the blender runs)
Spoon up into babies happy and contented mouth.
If you want to add infant cereal just spoon into whatever fruit or veg you have blended up.

Here is what I have introduced (all raw- except rice), in order of what he tried first.
Gus turned 8 mo yesterday.
Oh and Gus was very interested in food early on... so avocado play time served us well for a few months.

Avocado (first food)
Banana
Pear
Apple
Spinach
Nectarine
Peach
Brown Rice Baby Cereal (Happybellies or Earth's Best)
Brown Rice
Carrots
Next I will add peas (raw of course, why not!)

If I want to get fancy or if I have some extra... I spoon that into baby freezer trays vs ice cube trays (beware harmful BPA). And can pop those into the Munchkin feeder or a bowl to warm.
Freezing raw food only breaks down a small amount of the nutrients/ enzymes. So, it is much better then cooking it.

Why raw for baby?

It is easy. Why cook?
Easy digestion - enzymes intact it is closer to the ease of digesting breastmilk.
Healthier intestines - which means less allergies later, less fussiness, better health.
More nutrition - raw and organic... best there is nutritionally. Nutrient dense foods.
Best food ever - it is food it is purest state for the purest baby in his rawest state :)

I need to ask my friend about Spirilina. I know that was her babies first food.
Next post superfoods for baby.

Smaller can be BETTER

2008-10-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

Think a great small purse. Bigger is not always better. I know, it is almost a death sentence for someone from Texas, living in Texas to say! This is actually where the idea of "flat living" came from for me. I was thinking about living in a smaller place... and I thought about how most of the world (besides the US) lives in much smaller homes and have much less space. And in the last 20 years big has gotten bigger and bigger. Working in home design I always was drawn to smaller, cleaner lines and smaller furniture... but most of the homes I would work in had such large (or "Great") rooms that you had to use furniture with large backs and arms just to fill the space.
Everything has gotten bigger and bigger and bigger. Closets (more room to store the stuff), garages (more room for the bigger car), bigger beds (King was not big enough), bigger kitchens, refrigerators (in Europe the average size of a fridge is apartment size here). I started thinking about living in a "flat"... OK it just made me feel stylish. In say Germany or France... a family our size and with our income would live in a small "flat" with no yard... kids play on the streets and go to parks. Ya know?

I had to challenge my notion of "success" (is success living paycheck to paycheck and living for a house and car?), of "standard of living" (what kind of a standard were we living? ), of "failure" (if it was failure to let go of a house that was a burden, then we had already failed... now what?), etc.

Most of these notions have come from living the lifestyle that is presented as the norm. But, we were being driven and challenged to live differently.

So we looked at smaller. And guess what, smaller can be BETTER.
When I started... it started with a simple "What if?" God kind of whispered it to me.
What if you lived in the Mason house behind Ecclesia? Our church had purchased a duplex behind the church building and the short term plans were to rent it out. We decided to sell our house with the idea we would live there for a year... tiny 3 bedroom with a new church playground in the back.

Then.. Ike hit. The hurricane wiped out a large chunk of Galveston and headed straight for Houston in a direct hit. Our home was not effected... and the buyers were lined up. BUT, the Mason house took some more damage to it's already beat up exterior and construction in the city ground to a hault.

Time for plan B.
Plan B was easy because we already were looking at schools. Plan B included taking Astrid out of private Montessori and putting her into Public Montessori. The hitch... the only way to get her in was to move into the neighborhood. But the cost of tuition being removed... made a small home in a very nice central neighborhood affordable. So plan B became an amazing neighborhood that I have always loved and thought I could never afford. Thinking smaller can sometimes mean thinking BIGGER!

So, now we are feeling like we have been given an amazing new start. We feel... like not only have we not sacrificed... but that God is amazing us with more then we could have hoped for.

Sometimes it is just about turning it upside down to look at it a different way!

Finances -part 1 of the Dave & Dave plan

2008-10-23T06:20:00.000-07:00

OK I know, it is funny to have a big picture of Dave Ramsey on my blog which tends to be very spiritual, airy, and poetic. A big pic of Dave is kind of hysterical. In fact his pic was a little bit too big and I had to shrink it a bit, Vyk suggested making it flat!

Vyk & I are followers of Dave Ramsey. We admit it.
When you are looking for advice on radically changing your finances, Dave Ramsey is a good place to start. And although he has been getting on my nerves a bit lately about the election... specifically his ideas about what will happen when / if Obama wins... generally, the man makes a lot of sense.

We have been living the Dave Ramsey plan for financial peace since we took his course when I was pregnant with Gus. His basic tenants are stop borrowing & live on what you have. Meaning cash only purchases and no debt. You use an envelope to section off the money you have and when you do not have $ for say a new shirt... you just do not buy it... or maybe you wait (I know it is an amazing concept). It has helped us do better with what we have.

But now... better, is not what we are going for. Best, radical, upside down living. Or as Dave says "Live like no one else so you can live like no one else".

So what does all of this really mean in cold hard numbers.
Here are the goals of this move and "Flat Living" in general for our finances:
1. Pay off car (13% interest rate)- We are achieving this goal by throwing money at the car.
Meaning when we have extra $ esp the 2nd week of the month, we add it to the car payment.
2. Savings- starting with an emergency fund and ending with a goal of saving between 7-10 thousand dollars in a year!
3. Debt free- the car being paid off gets us there.. no new debt, etc.
4. Follow the baby steps that Dave sets out. He has common sense about $ and we sometimes do not. So when all else fails follow Dave.
5. To give! 10% tithe and giving extra to people, causes, etc that we believe in and follow.

Dandelions

2008-10-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

I was looking at a website of a women who is a lifestyle coach. She is a Christian and a raw foodist in the Houston area. As I read, I was amazed... she talked about dandelions.. which I had heard all about. This time I guess I saw it with new eyes.
She was talking about how dandelions have loads of vitamins and minerals and also are extremely cleansing. That they provide all of the things that our modern diet is so deficient in.
And if we would stop killing them with herb asides and instead start eating them, our community and society would be much healthier.

While I was reading, I realized that THE CREATOR is so generous... and so thoughtful and so beautiful. Really, think about it. He sees our hurt, He sees our struggle, He sees how far removed we are from what we need and what He has provided for our bodies to thrive. And so he sets out gentle reminders, then more and more gentle reminders. Until those reminders and so rampant that we would have a hard time not seeing them.

They are there for us every day as we get in our cars and set out on our days, there for us when we return home with stress pumping through us. They become annoying in their presence, annoying in their perseverance. We can not make them leave! And all the while they provide the very thing that our modern society needs. If it were more obvious it would have bitten us.
Yes, I will be adding some dandelion to my salad.
And when I thank God for the food, it will be with new meaning.

Flat Living

2008-10-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

New Blog for a new time in my life.

My old blog was all about raw foods and as I have not been living on a raw foods diet since I got pregnant with Gus it has been silent for a while.
This blog will be about raw foods, but it is also about everything else that God has and is taking me through and asking of me...

It is about "Flat Living" which is a concept that God showed me through prayer of what He wanted my life to look like.

The picture is of a life compressed, a lifestyle flattened... so that God has a bit more room... or hopefully a lot more room. Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying that God needs me to flatten everything so that He can be big. He is big no matter what I do. What I am saying is I am being called to make my life smaller so that He can be bigger in my life, and in the life of my family.

He has been working on me towards this for such a long time. And honestly I have not listened. I have been disobedient when he asked me to shrink. I believe when I first heard this concept it was presented to me in a way that made me believe when God asks us to be smaller it is not literal... it is just a spiritual concept. And I guess... if you want the results of this process only effecting your inward life... that would be fine. BUT, I want it to effect my outward life as well as my inward one. I want God's beauty to have room to grow and push out and bloom and overtake and envelop. In fact, it is that I have no other choice then to ask Him to take over where I have been sorely deficient in life.

More on what this actually means for my life later... because it means a lot of radical change.

But generally here are the areas I see for now that need to shrink:

Finances - No debt (Dave Ramsey)
Body - Raw foods (David Wolfe)
Home - Smaller, simplify what we own.
Car - Paid for and used less.
Community - more unified (live closer to work, school, church, where you shop).
Food- local, organic, whole, raw, less packaging.
Trash - less trash.
Carbon footprint - smaller.
Consumerism- live on less. Buy used, fair trade, hand made.
Giving out- when everything is smaller you can give out more.

What is beautiful... is all of these attempts to live smaller are circles... and all of the circles run together. This is how I KNOW this is the way we are intended to live (or at least closer to) and as our circles get bigger and bigger and less and less connected we will find more stress and less balance. We are living bigger and it is harder for us physically, emotionally, spiritually. This, I believe, is God's way of letting us know that this is not what He has intended for us.

I will post on each of these independently, so stay tuned.