Words and what happens to them

words spill out of me

like I have had them inside 

for a long long long time

see

saying 'long' one more time seems needed here

necessary 

not excessive 

when words spill out 

and there is no one there to catch them

do they disappear?

such a good question 

a question that needed to be typed 

blogged 

and held 

who is there to sit with all these words? 

Is it silence?

Does silence hold answers?

If so, she'll never speak them 

I know silence 

at least in my car 

and there, she is kind of a nag

I don't trust her at all 

so many words

that so clearly don't express it

and for every single word 

there are a thousand left 

still waiting

never said

will they disappear?

or does that nag 

take them with her 

like a scottish folk tale 

stealing babies 

from their beds

replacing them with 

closed mouthed fairies 

pretty to look at

maybe the kingdom of heaven is...

maybe the kingdom of heaven

is in us

it is inside (small) 

and outside (big) 

and you are housed

in it all

while we are housed 

in you

if everything is connected 

maybe it is the joint 

as we bend

in accord we spin

but for each (micro) movement 

we make 

each decision

you adjust (macro) 

seeing  

breathing 

directing  

living in your kingdom breathe 

reconciliation becomes infinite 

but so sure

maybe it is the thought 

that creates chemistry 

inside 

and the air that all the earth (creation) follows 

the gravity that make us fall hard

outside

like birds in pattern of

murmuration 

we, in community, 

are

working it out

you place us side by side 

each selection ripples

moving the whole

like a love machine

we work 

revolve 

you said it isn't about me

but it is... isn't it? 

only bigger 

it is bigger

we are shaped

like birds 

like microorganisms 

like star cluster

and you have us

name it

whatever it was 

it wanted us to itself 

it came underneath us 

ripping the rug

acting out a cue 

so tactile memory would fall into place

maybe if we name it 

it will bring us to 

what it had for us 

in the first place

the memory now set

I can recognize 

something I still haven't named 

it was earlier still 

wasn't it? 

do you remember? 

whatever it is 

we should try nameing it now

and in that moment 

claim promise 

change hearts 

bow

to the lesson 

maybe it owns us anyway

already turning us into air and flame

and this process is 

the why that I was carrying on about

If you don't stop that

I used to live in

A cramped house with confusion

And pain.

But then I met the Friend

And started getting drunk

And singing all

Night.

Confusion and Pain

Started acting nasty,

Making threats,

With talk like this,

"If you don't stop 'that' -

All that fun -

We're

Leaving."

-Hafiz

he held my hand so tightly today

mind out of focus

lost in words 

sometimes syllables are even lost

yet when I look in his eyes 

we connect

he is soaking up love

you see his deepest need

it is exposed

what a beautiful side to see

he held my hand so tightly today

as if to say

"I am not going anywhere"

and

"please don't leave"

I believe children arrive connected to God

today I saw him 

connect that same way

like they were resting in each others arms

'I saw him come so close to God

I saw God come so close to him'

I have seen this before 

so I watched for it 

and when he was close

I listened to every rambling word

a bit of heaven 

resting in each word

like the dna of each word was a puffy cloud

I am paying attention 

it is the purest love 

between father and daughter

I am feeling it all

wide open 

here I am dad

thank you for letting me be affectionate with you today 

I know it calms you 

helps you rest 

I love you

I am learning to let you go

Today, heart open

today 

I have the sense of my heart stretching open

like I am performing a pose

heart on hinge 

wide 

I hear the creek of rust 

metal on metal grinding 

dust blown away from heavy filing

prying

needling 

I feel the painful stretch of valves not used 

pumping

achey joints

pulled into place

I am not afraid anymore

of what waits

I have seen enough to know 

I can trust

this is me

light flooding

open

Happy

Happy 

It slipped in like a cloud inside my room

Unnoticed, until it was directly overhead

Waking, expecting tears,

But there it was

Wrapping it's arms around me in a quick squeeze

Happy without you

It is not a sin to be happy

Disconcerting

I understand

You are afraid of my happiness

Light is glowing all around me 

It can not be contained

It is already overtaking

Fear has burst into light

The sound of it all unraveling

There are some things that you should let unravel.
Some things that, try as you might, are too frayed to be put back together.
You can patch and sew and work... but it will still only be rags.

I think this is the case.

So I am putting up my darning needles and putting away the scraps of fabric used for patching.
I am letting it all fall down around me.
Look away if you don't like what you see.
Don't be afraid, don't feel bad for me, don't feel the need to throw a blanket around my shoulders.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to see from me.
But my Father loves me and thinks that I am more beautiful than the pile of rags I was crafting to hide myself.
This is between Him.... and me.

The Promise Land & The Place Called 'Portend'

What I wanted

Since I was a child

A place named 'promise'

A safe place

Where all needs are met with abundance

No more pushing around

Slander silenced as you enter 

Insults become vapor 

Drowned out by dripping honey, sweet

In longing for this 'promise' land 

Childishly, I created another place

Called 'portend' 

I created a place where the last drop of honey was used 

To glue together the bits 

Left over

Making the best of it 

Never enough

Because I longed for safety and home 

And because I gave it an effort 

Are you saying I deserve less than a promise? 

You said you loved me

You felt me yearning 

Yes, it wasn't for you 

So you let me wander 

let me 'try'

I wanted nothing more than safety 

You left me in the stickiness

To figure it out

Couldn't you have told me it wasn't worth my time? 

Spared pain times pain? 

That is not your way

Well, what is your way? 

You build into us a deep hunger 

An instinct for the plan we have lost 

But then you let our instincts evolve to cope

And you call that coping sin nature

Or is that what I call it?  

I might have deep intuition 

But I am deeply at a loss

Show me the promised land 

I have walked out of portend

Into the strong tide of desert dune

The sandy pull of a heart broken 

Please do not leave me here

I use water to pretend

I pretend I am floating outside of it
without the gravity of this place
like a heavy metal weight
with a brand scratched into the surface
that says "enter here and have it lifted"

I pretend to have unlimited buoyancy
I pretend to have an upward force inside
although the 'upward force' usually seems real
I call on it and it brings me to the surface
quickly, once I speak it out

I use water to pretend
that I am inside a pocket of breathable air
leaving the rest of the world immersed
floating like noah, I suppose
Although I would never let you drown

long baths, the ocean
using water to suspend my body
outside / inside
where everything else is displaced
I am in the in-between
emptied out

I shout thinking the sound will be contained
but it carries
I let my voice seemingly crash
only to have sound waves surface and bend
being amplified

those sounds expose me
as I try to swallow them
like cheeks blown up
and then slapped 

Moved

moved

even if the catapulted scene splatters me to the wall

even if it summoned me only to baptize me in ashes

I still was moved 

and I would rather be moved 

than stay

moved 

like mass which once starts in motion, can not be stopped

like a brushfire pushes everything living out 

I moved 

because I would rather see the resin melt, releasing seed

than to remain dormant

moved 

and alone 

in dead silence, white washed no more

moved 

and undone 

turning every tiny pebble to see what still lays in dust  

moved

and baring all 

so that love can enter those rooms, never viewed

I was moved, no regret

My Mother's Day Proclamation

Here is my own Mother's Day Proclamation based on this one written in 1872 

Arise then... women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
Our homes and churches will be shelters
We will not live in fear
We will not engage the painful path
Only to hold onto the white picket illusion
Acting as if perfection is an attainable goal
Shame be banished!
In words and deeds
We will not look away when our sisters cry
We will look them in their tear filled eyes
Even when this highlights our hidden fears
We will not live as if our children are meant to be anything other than
A tinted reflection of His kingdom in a fractured world
We will hold loosely in love and nurture fully
Nurturing whatever/ whoever is placed beside us
Clinging to the whole knowledge of His planned justice
We will release those we care for into His better than arms
While offering our own less than arms as sacrifice
Living peace filled lives
Speaking with clear voices
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
For you to listen 

why the flour hates the yeast

painful parables 

flood my cell phone today

I think about how 

the flour must hate the yeast

the flour

In it's froth 

being invaded

It can not be helped

In it's inactive state

the yeast waits for nothing, but to be added  

sitting with thoughts

that no one wants to hear

once drawn in 

the yeast overtakes the flour

the entire mixture 

changes

the flour

always felt secure

always knew itself

the flour was grounded

but it never knew what it could be

the flour hates the yeast

even at the point of expansion 

expansion has to be the most painful part

If God is in the process

by which we are changed

by which we become love

by which we become His kingdom

Overflowing

And if the yeast represents it all

I see why the flour hates the yeast

I understand why you are angry 

I understand why he is in the dark

I see why she is filled with hate

And I recognize His kingdom in my cell phone

Even as I throw it across the room

I lay down my rights

I lay down my rights 

the right to happiness

the right to be right 

the right to make you 

make me feel happy

the right to make you 

be / do anything

I lay down my right to fix 

I lay down my right to make 

To try 

To create what can only be created thru HIM

To create what can only be corrupt in my efforts 

I lay down my attempts 

I lay down my control 

I lay down my will in the matter

my opinion 

my goals

my hope 

I lay down everything 

And commit only to exist 

Untidy

Unkempt 

Unfulfilled 

Longing 

Chaotic 

Echoing an ancient cry 

Of hollow discontent  

Empty

In a posture of waiting 

To be filled 

Your shoes

Your shoes overcome mine 

On the blanket 

With invasive sand

Toppling 

Eclipsing

Your shoes 

Conspiring 

In a day of happy 

While my heart 

Remains too hurt to breathe

My mind is fighting with itself 

For air 

It has become so encrusted 

With the powdery, worn down 

dust of us rubbing together

If this is what is meant by 

Iron Sharpens Iron

It is painful 

Unrelentingly 

Painful 

As Unrelenting as His love for us

Tonight was a pink moon

the full moon as Lent closes

she is pink and has hot breath

reeking like she's been drinking

we are having words

the moon and I

and God is in between us 

He is catching the slack 

both of them are asking me to rest 

both making a fool of me 

in my wet eyed, angry rant 

remaining silent 

their tone brings stillness to my kicking 

she softens around midnight

or I get over it

starting to see 

she is sprouting grass

and in her own way waiting up with me

sitting with me through it

stirring me to it

maybe our Lenten fast 

the moon and mine 

was an attempt at parched begging 

but when it's over 

we'll still have each other

Clarity

The clarity 

Kept coming in all afternoon

Overwhelming me

Until I decided to let it

Wash over

I still don't know one thing

But I have perfect and undeniable peace

It is so close to me 

He is right here

Not knowledge 

Perspective 

I can see everything from a soft, distant place

But it is also dangerously close

A net that I am caught up in

Ultimate intimacy

It has me in it, and him & them

This is what is meant by

Interconnected

Even 'the people I have never seen'

He kept telling me 

It was not about me

It was, though

Wasn't it? 

Just bigger

It is bigger

How can I stay here

forever? 

It is the way we are meant to be

Completed

It is 

Perfect Love

And it is casting out 

All fear

a different kind of love poem (working title)

Sticky notes call up

"allow Father to remind you of your 

interconnectedness"

"holy encounter...as my equal 

where we are both love"

Unquestionably foolish

I'm not sure what's flesh

But if I can remember 

Just the taste

Then I will recognize it when it is here

Summer

In bedrooms 

Like The Wild Things

That bedroom was real 

And the kids & I 

Alone, could be small 

Creating beauty in moments

How to build that beauty up

While also dying to it

I don't know, save the taste

Like bread dipped in wine

I will recognize it once it comes

Shaping form

Like the day we bought the couch

"as equal" 

Green vinyl Herman Miller in love

It was solid

I am either so close 

Or a good ways away 

I don't know  

But I do remember the taste of being there

The room bathed in Christ's blood

Fear cancelled  

I'll surely call it here

When I taste it again

Ferocity

On it, the build, that part

All wrong

In exhaustion I am smaller 

Burned up

And He is all that is left

Centered nail

Right through

The Summer of the Inconvenient Nourish

You welcomed me that summer with a cup of tea

Running a bath for me with soothing herbs

While I bathed you prepared a bowl of grain & veggie 

It felt like the macrobiotic meal would heal me 

Inside to out 

And the bath would heal me 

Outside to in 

You set to nourish me

Instinctually knowing to feed my body since my soul was inside out

Your usual hostess skills were set aside 

To allow for my spillage

I don't remember coming out of the room

I remember you bringing food up to us

Like room service

Hill Country B&B

Was it even on a tray? 

Squeezing in a tiny bit of nourishment 

Under the crack of the door 

Like nurturing anything you could possibly reach

In such a situation 

Big mason jar filled

With superfoods

Powering my body with nutrients 

Because you knew you couldn't do a thing for my heart 

On your couch that summer 

Crying while children played outside 

Broken foot on trampoline 

Before you left on a Summer cruise 

I watched you pack travel size healthy snacks

And enjoyed the solitude of your home 

When you were gone

Can I tell you what I think about?

Eating your crackers, even though I replaced them

Ruining your comforter by leaving it in the wash

My daughter eating all of your nutella 

Staining your blanket

Breaking your AC

Bringing your trip to an early end

Medical billing harassing you

It is hard not to feel like an inconvenience 

I was so 

Unloveable

Thank you for loving me

Building Around

was it ever 

happy 

in the way I envisioned 

was it what you had hoped 

when you asked 

what was supposed to be 

a joining together 

became a me 

building around 

and a you 

pruning back 

from inside

here

attending to reconstruction 

a stack of pebbles

waiting for mortar 

however long

It occurs to me

If pain is separation from Him

Love 

and sin

the act of building around 

Him  

aiding our separation from Him 

each other

I need to call off the build 

it was always empty fraud

the snare of building up 

was that it only 

created 

a hole