Timing Conversation

your timing
unbelievable!
I am angry
I am calling you much worse things than a needler
crying to you
snotty wet messy wreck of a cry
You hold me tightly
dads get old
it is still unfair
that it is happening now
literally same day
it is like I was holding it all up
and since I am breaking
it will all fall
it is like you want me to shout 'mercy'
OK
MERCY
what else do you want from me?
MERCY!!!
I have messed it all up
mercy

Inviting my life into the woods!

There is nothing like getting away.  So after seeing the most recent Wes Anderson film, Moonrise Kingdom, I decided to plan my own escape into the woods.  I jokingly started making an inventory list with all of the quintessential stylized Wes Anderson items that made the trek into the woods in Moonrise feel like childhood innocence and magical escapade rolled together.

I did escape to a 3 day adventure with my two children plus one tag along child.  But as the adventure came to an end and I returned home with messages and problems waiting to grab hold of me just as soon as I arrived, I had that inevitable sinking feeling of adult reality.  During a difficult time for me that feels like it has lasted a lifetime, I have to admit I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and disheartened upon my return.  Must I return back from my magical forest adventure? Why is reality so real?!!! The uneasy stomach feeling began to surface as I neared home and the well known tears oozed as I saw familiar landmarks.  The cell phone literally became an evil beacon of reality which I almost turned off to escape for just a few more hours.

I started thinking I shouldn't let this "escape to the forest feeling" leave.  Maybe I could hold onto and savor that feeling of tranquility I had created for my adventure... in my mind.  To do that, I started thinking about and trying to express what it was that was such a release for me when I was away and what it is rushing in on me as I returned.  Do I really have to live with a stomach ache and pulses of stress hormone washing over me? No.

As all of this ran like a mini film in my head, I had a radical thought, instead of leaving the woods mentally... I could invite my life into the woods with me. We (my life and I) could escape together. 

What if I decided to live in tranquility, in peace, in harmony and invited everything/ everyone to join me there?  I quickly had every image of the "green pastures" & the "promise land" that I have been so drawn to and shown so much about recently join the thoughts of this "escape to the forest feeling".

What was so radical about these thoughts for me?
Boundaries.  I have been working hard on NOT having boundaries lately. Don't have a stroke, let me explain.  I had realized that all of my carefully crafted "boundaries" which I thought I "should" have to be "healthy" and create (IE:control) a good life were in actuality designed to keep love OUT & were something I was using to protect myself, and control those around me. It was an ugly realization. I had to let go of this need to control & protect in order to let God in and I had to do it at all cost.

I lost the "boundaries" & committed to spending some time laying down and being "naked".  Even if it was painful and even if it was frightening I stripped down and saw for the first time how addicted to shame, fear, hiding and control I was.  It took a lot of trust in God & a huge dose of courage to be vulnerable.  I will not say I am sorry I have done this, however, I will say that it hurts really badly to be vulnerable with people who know nothing but hurt.

I had to create this place of ultimate surrender to let love in, but how would I keep the painfulness from charring the green pasture and eventually causing me to close myself off again?  After all, the Shepherd guides us off difficult paths into a safe place. He lays a banquet before us in the presence of our enemies.

This new idea of LIVING in the green pastures and inviting my life in... is radical for me because I can see that this is the answer to opening my life up to love.  It is ultimately inclusive, all are free to enter.  You know where to find me, I am in the green grass... the promise land.  However, if you are unwilling to enter... you will not find me.  I will not close myself off from love but I will not loose my peace or tranquility or leave my place of promise for anyone or anything.

So, here is your invitation to adventure into the greenest most lush life imaginable. I am entering in & you are welcome!!! I have love enough for you & that will not stop... but this is my new address.  


If you can't make it, I'll be sure to send a postcard!

The Promise Land & The Place Called 'Portend'

What I wanted

Since I was a child

A place named 'promise'

A safe place

Where all needs are met with abundance

No more pushing around

Slander silenced as you enter 

Insults become vapor 

Drowned out by dripping honey, sweet

In longing for this 'promise' land 

Childishly, I created another place

Called 'portend' 

I created a place where the last drop of honey was used 

To glue together the bits 

Left over

Making the best of it 

Never enough

Because I longed for safety and home 

And because I gave it an effort 

Are you saying I deserve less than a promise? 

You said you loved me

You felt me yearning 

Yes, it wasn't for you 

So you let me wander 

let me 'try'

I wanted nothing more than safety 

You left me in the stickiness

To figure it out

Couldn't you have told me it wasn't worth my time? 

Spared pain times pain? 

That is not your way

Well, what is your way? 

You build into us a deep hunger 

An instinct for the plan we have lost 

But then you let our instincts evolve to cope

And you call that coping sin nature

Or is that what I call it?  

I might have deep intuition 

But I am deeply at a loss

Show me the promised land 

I have walked out of portend

Into the strong tide of desert dune

The sandy pull of a heart broken 

Please do not leave me here

On Being a Sheep

God keeps showing me the picture of a sheep to illustrate to me 'being' ultimately vulnerable in a way that is 'stupid'.  'Bah'... stupid sheep!  A picture of vulnerability, nakedness, ultimate exposure even in the face of fear.  You might not see the beauty in being a sheep when the wolf is right there licking his chops. You might not understand, in fact it is something that is difficult to understand.  But I know that as I walk as a sheep I have found the most amazing peace.  It is all about love pushing out fear and it is a wondrous way to be.

Call me stupid. Call me ignorant. Call me weak. Call me blind. I am none of those things!
I am a sheep who has learned to depend on the shepherd. I am laying down, freshly sheered in green pastures, waiting for the next part of my story.  The wolf has no power, fear isn't welcome, it was always just a trick of the mind. I have been a trusting person all of my life and I will not let any external circumstances change that about me.  I will not harden my heart.

I bought myself this necklace to remind me to be sheep like in the midst of my dealings with those things which threaten me.  To remind me of what His power looks like in the middle of hardship.  To remind me to stay true to myself, to trust him & dismiss the need to control the outcome of everything that fearfully 'could be' & embrace the truth of what is.  The truth that I might not be 'ok' (if you want proof of that there is a running list and I can get you a copy) but I am truly deeply & eternally loved and my father thinks that I am beautiful.

So I wear this necklace and I chant the 23rd Psalm. Hoping that in the chanting of it the mantra will become embedded in my heart and shield it from all the hurt that surrounds.

Psalm 23 (the Voice)

1The Eternal is my shepherd, He cares for

me always.

2He provides me rest in rich, green fields

beside streams of refreshing water.

He soothes my fears;

3He makes me whole again,

steering me off worn, hard paths

to roads where truth and righteousness

echo His name.

4Even in the unending shadows of death’s

darkness,

I am not overcome by fear.

Because You are with me in those dark

moments,

near with Your protection and

guidance,

I am comforted.

5You spread out a table before me,

provisions in the midst of attack from

my enemies;

You care for all my needs, anointing my

head with soothing, fragrant oil,

filling my cup again and again with

Your grace.

6Certainly Your faithful protection and

loving provision will pursue me

where I go, always, everywhere.

I will always be with the Eternal,

in Your house forever.

Tonight was a pink moon

the full moon as Lent closes

she is pink and has hot breath

reeking like she's been drinking

we are having words

the moon and I

and God is in between us 

He is catching the slack 

both of them are asking me to rest 

both making a fool of me 

in my wet eyed, angry rant 

remaining silent 

their tone brings stillness to my kicking 

she softens around midnight

or I get over it

starting to see 

she is sprouting grass

and in her own way waiting up with me

sitting with me through it

stirring me to it

maybe our Lenten fast 

the moon and mine 

was an attempt at parched begging 

but when it's over 

we'll still have each other

Years of Lent in Community

The season of Lent started this past Wednesday.  I took the ashes on my forehead after watching a handful of children so their parents could be at the noon service.  As I took the ashes, I still was questioning what I would give up and fast from this year.

I have been at Ecclesia Church for, 8 years (I think), and before that my husband and I went to several different Lutheran churches so the concept of Lent was not new to us when we arrived at Ecclesia. I do believe that it has taken on a different meaning, however, being in a community that actively pursues the season of Lent together.  The deeper feeling of being in a community of believers journeying together through the liturgical calendar is something I think you have to come to after years of the practice.  Stick around and you will find your Lenten journey evolving.  I can imagine a group of beautiful 80 year old friends who have journeyed in seasons of their lives, understanding and walking together, and what that must feel like.  This week I found myself remembering back through the years, this act of giving up, the loss that somehow always finds us during this season & the sense of doing it together that is fostered.

I remember the first year at Ecclesia, giving up television, it was difficult but I remember learning so much about being a parent without any media.  I learned so much that we decided to get rid of the television all together and have not had one since.  Thinking back about it now... it seems like I used some of those early seasons of Lenten fasting as self improvement.  I kind of sat with the idea of simplifying during that season and inevitably added some part of the practice to my everyday life after the fast was over.  I think this was a beautiful way for me to "try out" intentional living and even though I learned something beautiful, I am not sure this is what the Lenten fast is supposed to represent.  Over the years I have quietly fasted from television, shopping, facebook, eating out, and various foods like sugar, caffeine, bread, meat.  Each time I learned something about myself and I will not deny that Jesus spoke to me during that time of setting aside something for Him.

As the years have moved forward, several seasons were marked by extreme loss. Each time those profound deaths in the community always seemed to come right around the Lenten season.  In fact, 11 years ago during Lent my own mother died.  Over the years at Ecclesia, a close friends son was shot down in a gang shooting, another friends son died in a police shooting in front of her, and then dear Sarah Chidgey right as Lent began was gone.  And that is just to name a few, there were other friends who's parents died or who struggled with other loss. I had never grieved in community in this way, never hugged the neck and cried along side dear friends with our pastor crying openly as a model of how to grieve.  As these seasons of Lent have evolved the feeling of this being something I am not doing alone has grown as well.

It also makes my humble efforts of "giving up" feel like empty offerings.  One year, marked by one of the deaths mentioned above, I was in the middle of a difficult time in my marriage.  I did not "give up" anything because it felt like God was already taking my marriage away.  I guess I was angry, looking back at it, and I think God saw my anger and understood.  In a way I was giving up my marriage, in a way acknowledging that feeling was good for me.  I gave away this key relationship to Him, knowing full well I might not get it back.  I also knew that it was the only hope I had, to give it over to Him and yield to what He had for us.  It probably saved my marriage, the loosing of it I mean.

Over the years as this heaviness has grown, giving up something like coffee seemed like a shallow offering.  Once you have seen a friend give up her son or their closest, dearest, most beloved friend.  Really coffee? So I moved to wanting to give up things like "negative thoughts".  I tried and failed at this one last year. I mean "negative thoughts" this falls under the category of "I do the very things I do not want".  It was a pretty futile effort to say the least.

This year, I had been researching and reading about a plastics fast.  Knowing that my attempt would end up being impossible and thinking that act might echo what was going on internally.  But as Lent approached, that seemed more like an act of self learning again.  What I wanted to give up, I said jokingly, was being sick and my children being sick.  If you could give up sickness, sadness, negative self talk, loneliness, a broken heart, physical pain, emotional anguish, death and dying... wouldn't you?  And so... as I struggled with what to give up... and in a season of a unique struggle for my family with multiple viruses hitting in one month back to back.  A season with a child covered in chicken pox, knowing no matter how much I want to give up sickness for Lent, the pox will go thru their cycle and they will inevitably infect my son as well.  So I, frustrated and spent, decide to surrender again to that simple act of giving up something small.  An item that feels so silly and worthless in the overall scheme of things about as small as my attempt at it is to Him.  In that small act I guess I am acknowledging my size in His picture.  Meaningless, but a good way to practice giving over my sickness, negative thoughts, sinful nature, loneliness, physical pain, emotional anguish, death and dying. Practice giving over the things I can not.

This Lenten fast, the simplest act of self sacrifice it is.  With a prayer, from Job, which I have been reading since I saw THE TREE OF LIFE last week. If you haven't seen it, watch it as part of your Lenten devotion...

Then Job said to God, “I am overwhelmed! Now I see—no, truly feel—who You are! Nothing and no one can challenge Your plans. You asked, ‘Who is this man I gave his mind who dares question my choices from a scope so small? Do I need my servant’s approval before I move?’

I confess it: I babbled of things beyond my bumbling. You dared me face You down as if Your equal, Which I am not, and never was, nor will be. All I knew of You before was husks of hearsay, fifth-hand rumors, others’ empty certitudes.

But now, in my nakedness, I have encountered You— YOU!

Now, I loathe my arrogant pretentiousness, and I humbly repent in dust and ashes.”

a different kind of love poem (working title)

Sticky notes call up

"allow Father to remind you of your 

interconnectedness"

"holy encounter...as my equal 

where we are both love"

Unquestionably foolish

I'm not sure what's flesh

But if I can remember 

Just the taste

Then I will recognize it when it is here

Summer

In bedrooms 

Like The Wild Things

That bedroom was real 

And the kids & I 

Alone, could be small 

Creating beauty in moments

How to build that beauty up

While also dying to it

I don't know, save the taste

Like bread dipped in wine

I will recognize it once it comes

Shaping form

Like the day we bought the couch

"as equal" 

Green vinyl Herman Miller in love

It was solid

I am either so close 

Or a good ways away 

I don't know  

But I do remember the taste of being there

The room bathed in Christ's blood

Fear cancelled  

I'll surely call it here

When I taste it again

Ferocity

On it, the build, that part

All wrong

In exhaustion I am smaller 

Burned up

And He is all that is left

Centered nail

Right through

Parenting them like they are the hero/ heroine in the story of their life

Laura Burlton Photography

I was thinking the other day that my daughter would make an incredible character in a novel.  She has the strength to pull off some complicated story lines and I have this feeling that the story of her life will be quite the rich, beautifully told tale.  As I had this thought, however, I realized the truth is it would be much easier to parent a child with a short, simple story. You know, 15-20 pages of something like "Her mom asked her to go make her breakfast and get ready for school and ... she did".

But is that really what I want for her?  Is that really the story I want for her life? Is that what I see in her as her biggest, best told tale?

And then it occurred to me that most of us parent like we want the short, simple version of a story to play out for our children. We don't realize, because we are too close to the moment to moment parts of the story, that what will make their story divine and magical is all the stuff we ultimately would rather spare them from or not have to deal with. We don't parent our children like we want them to be the hero / heroine of their own story.

If I want my daughter to be the heroine in her story and I am guiding her towards that end, I will parent from a much different perspective, a perspective that is further away, not quite as up close as we tend to be in this relationships defined by overseeing every detail of their carefully orchestrated lives.  This perspective is actually much more similar to how God views us.  His perspective (on the mountain top, looking down) is clearly that we are truly beautiful, the best part of His story written yet. He allows us to play out our story knowing that He is so heavily invested in it and so fully and beautifully intertwined we can not escape Him and His story for us no matter how hard we try.  He can allow our story to unfold however it will because He knows that His love and hold on us is inescapable.

Somehow the idea of placing my child as the heroine in her story allows me to see her with His perspective and allows me to hold her (ie: parent her), while holding her loosely.  It allows me to loosen my grasp on her because I know that His grasp on her story is so clearly defined.  And even further, I can begin to teach her, as her story unfolds, that she is writing it as she goes.  It allows me to give her the tools to begin to craft the story of her life where she is indeed the heroine.  In charge of following her path, listening to His guidance, capable yet likely to make the wrong turn at times.  Parenting from this perspective allows me in turn to show her that exact perspective.  It allows me to see her and to teach her to see herself and others from His perspective.

After all, the best gift from mother to child is to really, deeply, see them.

Building Around

was it ever 

happy 

in the way I envisioned 

was it what you had hoped 

when you asked 

what was supposed to be 

a joining together 

became a me 

building around 

and a you 

pruning back 

from inside

here

attending to reconstruction 

a stack of pebbles

waiting for mortar 

however long

It occurs to me

If pain is separation from Him

Love 

and sin

the act of building around 

Him  

aiding our separation from Him 

each other

I need to call off the build 

it was always empty fraud

the snare of building up 

was that it only 

created 

a hole

What I Owe to the Houston Public Library System

I started off the new year talking about forgiving myself, and I wrote my list... and on that list... 

Is a library fine. 

I don't know how else to say this other then to just say it... 

I have a crazy high library fine, like over a hundred dollars.  And not just that, but so does my daughter. Which in this case means I have two library fines, BOTH MY FAULT.

It really means I not only did not learn from from my mistakes, I taught the same mistake pattern to my child. (that is the sound of my gut being kicked)

Going to the library is something that I SHOULD do. Taking my kids to the library every other week, even better. That is what a GOOD person does. And I do. 

Not turning your books back in for an alarming long period of time... that is not what a good person does. Maybe it is forgivable... but only once you have paid that fee. 

So now, I basically (really) steal (eek I don't like that word) my husbands library card.  Steal as in he does not know that I use it and he WOULD NOT like it if he knew (so you can not tell).

What I should say now is that my husband is one of the best, most responsible library card holders around. If they gave out an plaque for 1,000 books returned on time, he would have one and he would be as proud as you can imagine of it.  I KID YOU NOT. I think he still has his original card from when he moved to the Houston area circa 1980s, in a box somewhere. Because he is not the type to 'need a replacement cause he left it in the bottom of a bag or something'. So, can you blame him for not letting me use it? 

He loves books just like I do.  He likes to go to the library like I do.  He occasionally takes the kids to the library, not like me you understand. But he is just that kind of guy.  A rule follower.  A 'only check out a couple books, don't freak out and take half the rack of books and inhale them like they are the candy and it is halloween night' kind of guy. 

And he tries to teach the kids this kind of stewardship of book card ownership.

And I guess my job is more to encourage in our children some "controlled chaos" (as I like to call it)... or not so controlled, as the library fines indicate.  

But none the less... there is the matter of the fine.  And my general lack of that kind of basic care for those types of details. The all good intentions and no follow thru side of me (so to speak).  

And I don't know if you have ever owed something.  Not like the 'insurance company won't pay a mega corporate hospital for the $95 pill that they gave you and so we will rake you over the coals even though we are in bed with the pharmaceutical company that provided it' kind of way.  But, owed someone or did something wrong to them that you knew you shouldn't have done.  And you sit with the knowing of it, even if it is small, you still know it is there. 

That is what this library fine represents. 

And I am forgiving myself of that, but only after I pay the bill... and I don't quite have that kind of cash with me today... well, at least if I am going to get my hair cut this weekend.

AND this is only ONE of the things on my list. (curse word) 

Here is a bit of the book that I just finished... a book that I got by stealing my husbands library card from his wallet, downloading it from the local library which I owe almost $200.  I did return the ebook on time, I promise, but only because my husband would have noticed the fee.

"You'd think that even a bad doctor on a bad day would feel better than a good drug dealer on a good day, but I suspect that this might not be true.  I suspect that drug dealers have days when everything clicks, and it's all buzz buzz buzz, and they chalk off their jobs one by one, and they return home with a sense of accomplishment."

And then there is this from the same book, gotten in the same way...

"When I look at my sins (and if I think they're sins, then they are sins), I can see the appeal of born-again Christianity. I suspect that it's not the Christianity that is so alluring; it's the rebirth.  Because who wouldn't wish to start all over again?"

Forgiving myself hurts, because I have to look at my ugliness, like looking the librarian in the eyes and asking how much I owe. But not forgiving myself hurts more, because I sit with it and it becomes bigger the longer I don't face it, like said fine. 

I do believe in redemption, after all, don't I? I keep asking. 

And then I sing, so I will somehow in the singing... find my voice. 

Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow;
No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.  

(pitchy at best)

Turning the light ON (a different kind of list)

One of the good things about writing is you can look back at your life and see the struggle, the pain, the craziness, the good stuff, the joy & take it in from an observers perspective.  From that perspective, life seems less an overwhelming set of tasks and more something that you should never give up on.

As the new years resolutions roll in (I always have at least a few, if not a hundred) it is hard not to remember the things that fall into the "yet to accomplish" category (other wise known as previous years list FAIL).  Looking at these past lists can feel like a huge kick to the face, the guilt smites & guilt is in no way a productive thing... in fact it is just the thing that will keep you from accomplishing your goals. 

I kind of think this universal (time) restart of the new year is a beautiful thing in this regard.  Think of the Jewish restart of Jubilee... after a 7 year cycle, all things start again... all accounts closed, it is the bigger picture sabbath we all need.  Time to recount the year, settle up, forgive and move forward.  Time to begin again, and turn that internal light up to it's highest setting. 

So with the goal of hitting a reset button on your life, the list that seems most urgent to me is a list of things to forgive myself for.  A list of all the things I have not done to care for me... a list that lets go of that guilt and shame and banishes it from the new year and any new work I have in mind.  

In one of my favorite books The Healing Light by Agnes Sanford the author talks about our body and spirit being like a lamp filled with Electricity. And in this book she says “As we practice the work of forgiveness we discover more and more that forgiveness and healing are one.” 

If we can liken our bodies to a lamp and our spirit as the electric current that flows thru it, then I guess guilt and shame are the things that block the current and keep our light out or dim.  And healing via forgiveness is the things that clears that block to our spirit allowing our light to shine. 

If this is the key then let me start this new year off with setting as much of it as I can aside.  It has, after all, already been forgiven... I mean, do I believe I am redeemed. ???!!   I can set to work on beautiful goals for the new year, for healing and forgiving others, caring for others, and self care.  But until I set to forgive myself, none of it will matter and I won't move forward in being "the beloved" in living my truest life for Him, my family, myself everyday. 

What is required is to become the Beloved in the commonplaces of my daily existence and, bit by bit, to close the gap that exists between what I know myself to be and the countless specific realities of everyday life. - Henri Nouwen in Life of the Beloved

Christmas Conversation

I have been looking back at this blog and reflecting on some of what I wrote before I stopped writing a couple years ago. This Christmas Eve Conversation post is a painful reminder of a hard Christmas Season that I endured. As I reflect back on that painful time I think about all of the many, many people who are enduring something now, people who are in a hard place during this season of "joy". For many unique reasons the Christmas Season can be very difficult for an overwhelming number of us. Much like church life or Christian life many of us get trapped in the expectations of what a "good Christian", a "good community", or a "good Christmas" should be. We idealize what we & those around us need to create a blissfully happy (that is how we are supposed to feel, right?) Christmas.

But I believe there is a reason that Christmas can feel so difficult, I believe that reason is mysteriously captured in our church calendar during this season of Advent. The struggle, this longing is a deep seated need of all humanity for Him. And in this longing and struggle we tend to explore our brokenness... the ugliness in us surfaces, we bring it out in each other and we bicker, fight, growl... over money, gifts, shopping lists, clean houses, things not being "right"... because well, it really is NOT RIGHT. We are deeply and bitterly in NEED of a savior, deeply in need of redemption.

So we gather round, we tell the stories we all need to hear, we light candles to prove to ourselves that HE HAS COME, we sing songs to help us remember in that deep soulful place that music heals... THE REDEEMER HAS COME! And it is from that place that true JOY overflows. It is from that spot in creation's redemption that we recognize HE is WONDERFUL.

So here is a new CHRISTMAS CONVERSATION. 2 years post season of pain, post darkest days, post Christmas Eve conversation and the feelings of not wanting to join the celebration...

Christmas Conversation

Let me tell you the story

The one I didn't want to hear

Of the Son

Baby, angels, a star

Let it cast light on your darkness

Like traced silhouette

Yes, even now

Set your eyes, child, on that star

Look for it in the East

Like a beacon to follow when nothing else makes sense

Look for it and follow

Even blindly

How long?

As long as it takes

Sing now, the songs you don't feel like singing

Sing it even if mouthing the words

Like practice makes perfect

Your voice will arrive

And your voice will sing

'Redeemer!'

And it will not look anything like what you thought

Crouch there in the dark for a minute

I have been a little obsessed with the idea of the light coming. Everything I read, see, or have been listening to seems to be echoing a chant...

Please come, Light of the world!

Yet today, the Winter Solstice (darkest day of the year), that sea of thoughts on bringing the light fell into a drifting tide of darkened sadness.

It felt like I couldn't shake the sadness all day and so... I just let myself feel it.

Let me clarify what I mean by sadness because I know sometimes we are afraid to admit that we are sad. I do not mean I was depressed. I was inward reflecting but I was not imploding inward towards depression. Just feeling sad, which is an OK thing to feel.

Listen... just in case no one has ever told you...

It is OK to need. It is OK to want love. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to want more. It is OK to not know. It is OK to look and not see. It is OK to ask why. It is OK to sit and wonder what it will look like. It is OK to be afraid.

It is OK to feel like you are on the edge about to jump and that He is right there with you, saying "Trust Me! The light will come".

So... go ahead...

And that is when the fear comes... did you feel it just now in you, as you read.

Something pulling you from doing whatever that next jump into the darkness is?

If you felt it, you are alive. And that means you need to do it, whatever it is He is asking, all the more.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the darkness. It is overwhelming.

Picture yourself in the darkest room... you hear a noise and your brain fills in the blank of the unknown with the bleakest picture of what it could be. Your brain is getting you ready to fight, hide, run, preparing you for the worst. That is what fear does & it is a cautious yet ultimately, usually, very foolish thing... Cue small cat or a ceiling fan swaying a piece of paper.

It is the things we can not see that scare us the most. Yet God always has us right there on the brink and never shows us. He asks us to trust Him and He asks us to go exactly where we are afraid to go.

But let me tell you, friends, Jump anyway! As you are poised here in the darkest night.

Because, let me tell you, He is faithful and He is good. His faithfulness will always overwhelm the doubt. His light will always illuminate even the darkest fear. It's a promise.

So what if you still are not certain.

The beautiful thing about the God I know is He will be faithful even in the smallest things.

You give Him the tiniest pin prick of a section of your heart and His light floods in thru that tiniest pin prick. It will overtake you. Even when He probably should say to you "Child, give it all or give nothing... I can not do anything with this!!!" But He does not, He takes it and He creates beauty with whatever you give.

So in the coming days as you enter the beauty of Christmas, while lighting that candle Christmas Eve that overwhelms and illuminates the entire room in His glow, please crouch there in the darkness for a minute & walk right up to the cliff of the unknown and step forward into His light.

2009

Since 2009 started I have been re reading and re watching everything David Wolfe.
One of the "David Wolfe things" is writing goals. He asks you to write down 100 goals.
I believe it is in an effort to get you to push the limits of what you want to accomplish... to empty your mind of everything that you think "I could never pull that off" about.

For someone who is & has been in the middle of such life change... I think having a resolution list is silly... I am in the middle of a resolution list.. in fact this blog is a resolution list. But I have discovered the same truth as David Wolfe. When you write it down, it comes true. AND the more specific the better.

I have however, as the New Year has begun, focused on one of my resolutions on this blog. It is one that has a natural start after a holiday of almost constant eating out and honestly ending in my being sick of everything that I need to stop eating... it does make you feel bad after all. So, my main new years resolution will be on my OTHER blog. Yes, get ready for my weight to be posted again and ALL to be laid out in an effort for accountability and helping me free my life of my biggest and most hurtful addiction.

But for here...
100 Goals for 2009

1. Be free of food addiction
2. Heal my relationship with Vyk
3. Heal my relationship with Astrid
4. Enjoy my daily routine
5. Enjoy my life
6. Give of myself fully
7. Don't hold back
8. Financial Peace
9. 1,000 for emergencies that stays put
10. car paid off
11. give lots of $
12. give lots
13. Love
14. Finish the playground
15. Bring love into the children' space
16. Bring love to Ecclesia
17. Love in small ways
18. Share in large ways
19. Be beautiful
20. Feel beautiful
21. Feel sexy
22. Go on more dates with my husband
23. Go on more mother/ daughter dates
24. Be with Gus fully
25. Have strong attachments with everyone in my family
26. Vent less
27. Breathe more
28. Feel more
29. Keep my house organized
30. Keep things as simple in my home as they are now
31. Use $ to purchase fairly
32. Crave raw foods.
33. Try foods I have never tried.
34. Constantly learn about food
35. Seek God in all I do
36. Seek God in the simple things
37. Love God with all my heart, mind, soul
38. Have a deeper relationship with God
39. Be His hands and feet
40. Incarnate
41. Find my place in my new community
42. Find a friend for Astrid who is CLOSE
43. Go to Cherryhurst park all the time
44. Go to Discovery Green all the time
45. Get a 3 wheel bike to ride around
46. Soak in the sun
47. Enjoy being outside daily
48. Be active
49. Laugh often
50. Make new relationships
51. Nurture the relationships that bring me life
52. Edit time with people who do not bring me life
53. Forgive
54. Forgive
55. Forgive
56. Pray unceasingly
57. Let go of the hurt I hold in my gut
58. Detox
59. Detox emotionally
60. Let God heal... do not be afraid
61. Loose 100 lbs
62. Loose a person
63. Have skin that glows
64. Have to buy an entirely new wardrobe
65. Look on the outside as changed as I am on the inside
66. Enjoy my new home
67. Entertain more
68. Discuss more things that are important to me
69. Have more deep discussion
70. Have more girls night out with precious friends
71. Meet Leo Mueller... spend more time with the Mueller Family
72. Create annual family events
73. Be the woman that I want Astrid to learn from
74. Drink more water
75. Work on my art
76. Create a new curriculum
77. Be in a new building
78. Uncover hidden abilities
79. Spend intentional time with James
80. Share with James what he needs
81. Be good to those that I love
82. Have more lunches with Dad
83. Release Grief
84. Be the best me ever
85. Eat cleanly
86. Have green smoothies or juice daily
87. Have a salad daily
88. Buy more for myself from Etsy
89. Get my hair cut regularly
90. Have $ in the bank past my wildest expectations.
91. Give more $ than I ever thought possible
92. Finish everything
93. Get a composter
94. Start a garden
95. Grocery shop weekly
96. Eat out less
97. Have sex more
98. Heal from Gus' birth
99. Learn from and fully connect with all the children God has given me to care for
100. Have the best marriage ever!

Christmas Eve Conversation

me -

I don't feel like celebrating! I don't feel like singing songs and hearing stories of redemption. What about my redemption? What about redemption for my family? What about redemption for my marriage?

bigG-

I told you... I am working on it.

me-

But I am so tired. I am worn out. I can not do it any longer. Why can't redemption come now? I did everything you asked. Except.. well, that, that, that.. I am working on, I am planning on it.

bigG-

Why not now?

me-

too hard, too much all at once. And I am so hurt, and he...

bigG-

I am not asking you to trust him, I am asking you to trust me.

me-

I know. But you expect... everything... it is so hard.

bigG-

It is so hard? And this is easy?

me-

No this is TOO hard. I can not stand it.

bigG-

So why not now?

me-

OK... tell me the story again. The one about redemption. I am listening.

He put a new song in my mouth

“Have Yourself a Peace and Justice Christmas” (to the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”). Thanks Soujourners!

Have Yourself a Peace and Justice Christmas

Have yourself a peace and justice Christmas,
Set your heart a-right.
Flee the malls and focus on Christ’s guiding light.

Have yourself a peace and justice Christmas,
Give your time a way.
Share God’s love, And serve “the least of these” today.

Here we are, as we pray for peace,
We’ll live simply and give more.
We care for those far and near to us,
Which brings cheer to us, once more.

God brings down
The haughty from high places,
And lifts up the low.
God cares for the hungry and the humble, so –
Forget the stress and let the peace and justice flow!

Flat Living (the reality edition)

OK so it is not in theory any more.
Astrid is in school 2nd week. She is loving it. We have moved MOST everything from the old house. We have had a garage sale, have listings on craigslist (fridge, baby swing, dryer anyone?). We are walking every morning instead of driving, we are buying only what is in the budget, we are on our way.

This past week was a bit of a bump in the budgeting road. And both of us feel like big losers because of it. We just spent too much on eating out with all of the moving and not really being unpacked in the kitchen. But really, overall... we are now budgeting machines! It is so much easier when it is not overwhelming! I create the spreadsheet and make sure the money envelopes are all filled with the right amount, and Vyk is the executer for the most part. We finally figured out our gifting and are using them to our benefit. Kathy plan, Vyk execute.

Overall, I LOVE the new life! I still have lots to work on... it did not put an end to all of our problems... but it did breathe new life into our lives! Flat Living is about living into the beauty of God's plan for our lives... which is actually abundance... it just might look a bit different then what everyone thought "abundance" was supposed to but for us it is beauty! Pure and Simple!

The first night we moved in... Vyk found a book in the attic called "Christ the Leader" by a man named Russell. It appears to be a Catholic book on theology used either to educate lay people or possibly preists. It is dated 1936 (the year the house was built) and has our address plus a name "Elwood Lyons". Pretty cool! Vyk and I have both talked about the sense of peace we have had in the new house. We have been more harmonious and working together better as a team. Vyk has been leading with out "bulldozing" and I have been nurturing without "nagging"... more.
I tend to believe in Maya Angelou's take on words kind of soaking into a place into the walls, the upholstery, etc. But in this case, I am also sure that when you set out to live the way God wants you to live in a place and you let God guide you to the place... you are more than a little likely to find peace waiting for you when you get there. Kind of makes me wonder why we never did it like this before... oh yeah, we thought we had it all figured out :) HA!

New Era

OK I have to catch up the blog.
It has been a busy couple of weeks so here I go on a whirlwind blog session.


First of all... the week of Nov 4, Election day. We literally moved the week of the election. As I drove back and forth from our suburban 4 bedroom in a older area of West Houston to our new home right in the heart of Montrose... I realized that this was not just a new era for the country... but a marked historical moment for the Yeager family. Let me tell you the whole story...

We moved to West Houston/ Katy to help with James days after my mom died. We knew that he would need us and so we moved close enough to him for him to ride his bike over to our apartment. This was in April of 2000. Do you see where I am going with this? I got pregnant, and then Bush won the election... I voted for another candidate who shall remain nameless... but lets just say I knew my vote in Katy would not count so I voted for "someone" who was a long shot but I felt my vote would be at least "seen" voting for him. I was really saddened at the results of the election. I had actually voted against Bush and been heartbroken one time already... When he (as far as I am concerned) unexpectedly stole the Governor race from the beloved Ann Richards! Which by the way was my first election to vote in... so my entire voting life has been spent voting against Bush only to loose. :( Sour grapes! Then I had Astrid in January of 2001, 9 11 happened, and another Bush election... this time seriously heartbreaking because of what I KNEW this election stood to loose. And indeed in those 4 years we did loose all that I had feared and more. During the 2004 election Vyk and I felt like fish out of water in the Katy area... a VERY pro Republican / right wing area of town. It felt like we were alone in our grief.

So, as you can imagine... when I realized that I was moving right as the new president came to office it seemed a bit well timed. I guess you could accuse me of siding with the ruling party... or at least living among them... but I promise that is not the case. I do however feel like our move is timed with the rest of the country and is a predictor of the new climate of America.
All of the sudden themes of this blog are making headlines... becoming free of debt and living on less is a requirement as we learn how our greed has made a gigantic mess of things.

In the larger picture our move mirrors the climate of the country... but from our small perspective... the change the country is seeking is mirroring ours. The rejoicing and sense of hope brought on by this election and this inauguration is mirroring the hope we feel in our new home and as we plan for our major change and flat living.

So, if you did not vote for Obama and you are feeling a sense of loss... feeling afraid because of all the questions this win stirs up for the future of the country... sorry. But, honestly... I have felt that for a very long time and it is about time someone besides me felt it!
Take a short moment and even in your sadness... be a little happy for me and my family. For our hope, change, and joy. Then you can go right back to being bummed.

Smaller can be BETTER

Think a great small purse. Bigger is not always better. I know, it is almost a death sentence for someone from Texas, living in Texas to say! This is actually where the idea of "flat living" came from for me. I was thinking about living in a smaller place... and I thought about how most of the world (besides the US) lives in much smaller homes and have much less space. And in the last 20 years big has gotten bigger and bigger. Working in home design I always was drawn to smaller, cleaner lines and smaller furniture... but most of the homes I would work in had such large (or "Great") rooms that you had to use furniture with large backs and arms just to fill the space.
Everything has gotten bigger and bigger and bigger. Closets (more room to store the stuff), garages (more room for the bigger car), bigger beds (King was not big enough), bigger kitchens, refrigerators (in Europe the average size of a fridge is apartment size here). I started thinking about living in a "flat"... OK it just made me feel stylish. In say Germany or France... a family our size and with our income would live in a small "flat" with no yard... kids play on the streets and go to parks. Ya know?

I had to challenge my notion of "success" (is success living paycheck to paycheck and living for a house and car?), of "standard of living" (what kind of a standard were we living? ), of "failure" (if it was failure to let go of a house that was a burden, then we had already failed... now what?), etc.

Most of these notions have come from living the lifestyle that is presented as the norm. But, we were being driven and challenged to live differently.

So we looked at smaller. And guess what, smaller can be BETTER.
When I started... it started with a simple "What if?" God kind of whispered it to me.
What if you lived in the Mason house behind Ecclesia? Our church had purchased a duplex behind the church building and the short term plans were to rent it out. We decided to sell our house with the idea we would live there for a year... tiny 3 bedroom with a new church playground in the back.

Then.. Ike hit. The hurricane wiped out a large chunk of Galveston and headed straight for Houston in a direct hit. Our home was not effected... and the buyers were lined up. BUT, the Mason house took some more damage to it's already beat up exterior and construction in the city ground to a hault.

Time for plan B.
Plan B was easy because we already were looking at schools. Plan B included taking Astrid out of private Montessori and putting her into Public Montessori. The hitch... the only way to get her in was to move into the neighborhood. But the cost of tuition being removed... made a small home in a very nice central neighborhood affordable. So plan B became an amazing neighborhood that I have always loved and thought I could never afford. Thinking smaller can sometimes mean thinking BIGGER!

So, now we are feeling like we have been given an amazing new start. We feel... like not only have we not sacrificed... but that God is amazing us with more then we could have hoped for.

Sometimes it is just about turning it upside down to look at it a different way!

Dandelions

I was looking at a website of a women who is a lifestyle coach. She is a Christian and a raw foodist in the Houston area. As I read, I was amazed... she talked about dandelions.. which I had heard all about. This time I guess I saw it with new eyes.
She was talking about how dandelions have loads of vitamins and minerals and also are extremely cleansing. That they provide all of the things that our modern diet is so deficient in.
And if we would stop killing them with herb asides and instead start eating them, our community and society would be much healthier.

While I was reading, I realized that THE CREATOR is so generous... and so thoughtful and so beautiful. Really, think about it. He sees our hurt, He sees our struggle, He sees how far removed we are from what we need and what He has provided for our bodies to thrive. And so he sets out gentle reminders, then more and more gentle reminders. Until those reminders and so rampant that we would have a hard time not seeing them.

They are there for us every day as we get in our cars and set out on our days, there for us when we return home with stress pumping through us. They become annoying in their presence, annoying in their perseverance. We can not make them leave! And all the while they provide the very thing that our modern society needs. If it were more obvious it would have bitten us.
Yes, I will be adding some dandelion to my salad.
And when I thank God for the food, it will be with new meaning.