I texted my friend/ mentor last week saying "I am not sure what is going on... but I feel a contraction coming"
He said "I am right here holding your hand"... He knew exactly what I was talking about.
He had heard it in my voice before, right before I wrote this.
It is the strangest sensation... like labor, but instead of physical pain it is a wave of emotion that overcomes and moves through me. As it ends & I rest into it, it brings clarity. The closest thing I have experienced similar to it is grief. Maybe that is what it is... but I don't think so.
And what are these waves of emotion delivering? No idea, but I know at the end I will be forever changed. For now, what I learned from birth is helping me learn and move through it. Here are the lessons as I connect this to giving birth, written more for me than anyone who might read them.
A woman's voice changes. When you are moving into active labor your voice and demeanor change. You go from panic to a determination that anyone can see. A women in active labor is a force and you best move out of the way. It has been told to me, and I am beginning to see it... my voice is changing.
You won't die and it does end. The pain of contractions are so intense and as they begin you know they will get worse. The fear as they come on can be as intense, but clinching or holding your breath won't keep it from intensifying. It is exactly like the fear of going crazy from the emotional intensity I have had recently. The "I might go crazy or die if I really let myself feel it all". But you don't die and it does end, giving you a chance to rest up before the next wave or push begins. Past a certain point your brain kicks in and washes the pain out. There is no pain past a point, no pain you can't withstand.
The pain is there for a reason. The pain of childbirth is there for a reason. It is accomplishing change and it is doing it's job. Emotional pain is there for a reason too, so feeling it and allowing it to do it's job is your only option.
You are not in control (let go). When you become pregnant your body takes over and there is nothing you can do to change the outcome. You will give birth and you will have a baby, it is a one way train. Your body takes over and you loose all control. You have to let go, you have no choice. And that is exactly where I am at emotionally... on a ride that I have no control over. I must let go.
It isn't pretty, but it is beautiful. When you are in the middle of active labor it is all kinds of messy. You are not looking your best and you don't give a shit. If anyone around you cared what you looked like or expected anything but a wreck you would kick them out of the room & tell them to F off. Labor is messy & loud ... you will curse, moan, sing, squeeze anything that is close & fight for it. And in the ugly mess of it all is the most beautiful window into life and beauty. And those who love you will see that and never question what you had to go through to give birth.
You can't stop it. But there is freedom in this, you can't do anything wrong. I mean, there is nothing you can do to not have a baby, and there is nothing you can do to mess it up. You will give birth whether you breathe "correctly" or not. Your body will work it out. And if I trust this process I am actively going through now I can trust it will do it's job with or without me & decide to just go with it. Don't fight it.
You are amazing. After I gave birth I remember feeling like the most amazing human on the planet. I mean... I gave birth to a human... out of my body came life... don't mess with me! You feel like you could literally do anything. No fear is strong enough to stop you. And everyone looks at you like you are miraculous... because you are.
When I figure out what I am going through I promise to let you know.
But for now, if you see me in my messiness either look away or tell me I am beautiful & catch a glimpse of the mucky business of something beautiful being born.
