Just a piece of paper

It is just a piece of paper, a goodbye & a full moon.
All on the same day.
A mark of time, a sense of loss, a beautiful sadness.
I am feeling every bit of it. Wide open.
I wouldn't choose to feel less or dull it.
I am free. I am grateful.

Today, heart open

today 

I have the sense of my heart stretching open

like I am performing a pose

heart on hinge 

wide 

I hear the creek of rust 

metal on metal grinding 

dust blown away from heavy filing

prying

needling 

I feel the painful stretch of valves not used 

pumping

achey joints

pulled into place

I am not afraid anymore

of what waits

I have seen enough to know 

I can trust

this is me

light flooding

open

Happy

Happy 

It slipped in like a cloud inside my room

Unnoticed, until it was directly overhead

Waking, expecting tears,

But there it was

Wrapping it's arms around me in a quick squeeze

Happy without you

It is not a sin to be happy

Disconcerting

I understand

You are afraid of my happiness

Light is glowing all around me 

It can not be contained

It is already overtaking

Fear has burst into light

Inviting my life into the woods!

There is nothing like getting away.  So after seeing the most recent Wes Anderson film, Moonrise Kingdom, I decided to plan my own escape into the woods.  I jokingly started making an inventory list with all of the quintessential stylized Wes Anderson items that made the trek into the woods in Moonrise feel like childhood innocence and magical escapade rolled together.

I did escape to a 3 day adventure with my two children plus one tag along child.  But as the adventure came to an end and I returned home with messages and problems waiting to grab hold of me just as soon as I arrived, I had that inevitable sinking feeling of adult reality.  During a difficult time for me that feels like it has lasted a lifetime, I have to admit I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and disheartened upon my return.  Must I return back from my magical forest adventure? Why is reality so real?!!! The uneasy stomach feeling began to surface as I neared home and the well known tears oozed as I saw familiar landmarks.  The cell phone literally became an evil beacon of reality which I almost turned off to escape for just a few more hours.

I started thinking I shouldn't let this "escape to the forest feeling" leave.  Maybe I could hold onto and savor that feeling of tranquility I had created for my adventure... in my mind.  To do that, I started thinking about and trying to express what it was that was such a release for me when I was away and what it is rushing in on me as I returned.  Do I really have to live with a stomach ache and pulses of stress hormone washing over me? No.

As all of this ran like a mini film in my head, I had a radical thought, instead of leaving the woods mentally... I could invite my life into the woods with me. We (my life and I) could escape together. 

What if I decided to live in tranquility, in peace, in harmony and invited everything/ everyone to join me there?  I quickly had every image of the "green pastures" & the "promise land" that I have been so drawn to and shown so much about recently join the thoughts of this "escape to the forest feeling".

What was so radical about these thoughts for me?
Boundaries.  I have been working hard on NOT having boundaries lately. Don't have a stroke, let me explain.  I had realized that all of my carefully crafted "boundaries" which I thought I "should" have to be "healthy" and create (IE:control) a good life were in actuality designed to keep love OUT & were something I was using to protect myself, and control those around me. It was an ugly realization. I had to let go of this need to control & protect in order to let God in and I had to do it at all cost.

I lost the "boundaries" & committed to spending some time laying down and being "naked".  Even if it was painful and even if it was frightening I stripped down and saw for the first time how addicted to shame, fear, hiding and control I was.  It took a lot of trust in God & a huge dose of courage to be vulnerable.  I will not say I am sorry I have done this, however, I will say that it hurts really badly to be vulnerable with people who know nothing but hurt.

I had to create this place of ultimate surrender to let love in, but how would I keep the painfulness from charring the green pasture and eventually causing me to close myself off again?  After all, the Shepherd guides us off difficult paths into a safe place. He lays a banquet before us in the presence of our enemies.

This new idea of LIVING in the green pastures and inviting my life in... is radical for me because I can see that this is the answer to opening my life up to love.  It is ultimately inclusive, all are free to enter.  You know where to find me, I am in the green grass... the promise land.  However, if you are unwilling to enter... you will not find me.  I will not close myself off from love but I will not loose my peace or tranquility or leave my place of promise for anyone or anything.

So, here is your invitation to adventure into the greenest most lush life imaginable. I am entering in & you are welcome!!! I have love enough for you & that will not stop... but this is my new address.  


If you can't make it, I'll be sure to send a postcard!

The sound of it all unraveling

There are some things that you should let unravel.
Some things that, try as you might, are too frayed to be put back together.
You can patch and sew and work... but it will still only be rags.

I think this is the case.

So I am putting up my darning needles and putting away the scraps of fabric used for patching.
I am letting it all fall down around me.
Look away if you don't like what you see.
Don't be afraid, don't feel bad for me, don't feel the need to throw a blanket around my shoulders.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to see from me.
But my Father loves me and thinks that I am more beautiful than the pile of rags I was crafting to hide myself.
This is between Him.... and me.