Christmas Eve Conversations

Ugh! It is so painful to even read this old post. 2008.

And yet it is even more relevant to me & even more important to have that painful conversation.

Here is the thing...
Redemption just is looking very different.

What I thought I wanted was for God to make everything "right" meaning tidy it up and make me & my marriage look like what it is "supposed" to look like.  I really wanted God to just be a co-conspirator in my hiding. He didn't do that because He so deeply loves me.
I get it now.  *Or at least I am starting to get it.

And so here I put up this Christmas Conversation... again.
And that last line... true.

Christmas Conversation

Let me tell you the story

The one I didn't want to hear

Of the Son

Baby, angels, a star

Let it cast light on your darkness

Like traced silhouette

Yes, even now

Set your eyes, child, on that star

Look for it in the East

Like a beacon to follow when nothing else makes sense

Look for it and follow

Even blindly

How long?

As long as it takes

Sing now, the songs you don't feel like singing

Sing it even if mouthing the words

Like practice makes perfect

Your voice will arrive

And your voice will sing

'Redeemer!'

And it will not look anything like what you thought

Mary's Song is My Song

Lately as I poke my head into Advent services while 'checking busying working' I hear her calling.  She keeps singing her song gently in my ear. It is as if every moment I walk past a word from her song is breathing into my spirit, and now with the third Sunday of Advent complete... her song is growing in me. 'Your song is my song' she seems to be saying, 'join me'.

My soul lifts up the Lord! 47My spirit celebrates God, my

Liberator! 48For though I’m God’s humble servant,

God has noticed me. Now and forever,

I will be considered blessed by all generations.

49For the Mighty One has done great things for me;

holy is God’s name! 50From generation to generation,

God’s lovingkindness endures for those who revere Him.

51God’s arm has accomplished mighty deeds.

The proud in mind and heart,

God has sent away in disarray. 52The rulers from their high positions of

power, God has brought down low.

And those who were humble and lowly,

God has elevated with dignity. 53The hungry—God has filled with fine

food. The rich—God has dismissed with

nothing in their hands. 54To Israel, God’s servant,

God has given help, 55As promised to our ancestors,

remembering Abraham and his descendants in mercy forever

And every word sparks another pull. These stories... these biblical narratives are about me, they are a call. "Will you answer the call" - words spoken by a visiting pastor prior to Advent speaking about Joseph (not the father of Jesus, the man with the colored coat). 

I pulled up Mary's song today and I read it and as I did I saw the commentary from the Voice. 

Mary is deeply moved by these amazing encounters—first with the messenger and then with her cousin, Elizabeth. Mary’s response can’t be contained in normal prose; her noble soul overflows in poetry. And this poetry isn’t simply religious; it has powerful social and political overtones. It speaks of a great reversal—what might be called a social, economic, and political revolution. To people in Mary’s day, there is little question as to what she is talking about. The Jewish people are oppressed by the Roman Empire, and to speak of a King who will demote the power- ful and rich and elevate the poor and humble means one thing: God is moving toward setting them free! 

My song is Mary's song. 

Mary's song is my song. 

The act of hiding

I catch lies

in the story

of him

in the story 

of me

(apple minded snakes and all)

I catch truth 

but the words still come

like they are held in fizzy soda pop

instead of vocal cords

('it was him, not me')

I don't like being 

the liar

the one to blame

I would rather not ask for forgiveness 

if it means I'm wrong

if forgiveness 

is the strongest superpower 

strength lies in my weakest point

so wrong is wrong 

and here I say sorry

sorry I hid

(nakedness)

sorry I lied

sorry I was so afraid 

of what you would think 

I didn't give you a chance to think anything

sorry I am still hiding 

because I am afraid of you

afraid you will not love me

for who I really am 

(clothe me)

sorry for seeing each of you 

as a need to pretend 

instead of seeing you as a lifeline to love

I got lost in being right

stuck in the wrong song 

wrong key

(eden was there)

(promise was there)

I forgot

if sin is the act of hiding away from God

and the darkness this act creates is what creates death/ pain

and if hiding our nakedness from each other stems from this act

(every sin is found in relationship)

maybe the naming of rules / law

was an attempt to call us out
(towards him/ each other)

and instead we followed the rules 

and hid (again) behind right

and on the subject of words vs silence

Words and what happens to them

words spill out of me

like I have had them inside 

for a long long long time

see

saying 'long' one more time seems needed here

necessary 

not excessive 

when words spill out 

and there is no one there to catch them

do they disappear?

such a good question 

a question that needed to be typed 

blogged 

and held 

who is there to sit with all these words? 

Is it silence?

Does silence hold answers?

If so, she'll never speak them 

I know silence 

at least in my car 

and there, she is kind of a nag

I don't trust her at all 

so many words

that so clearly don't express it

and for every single word 

there are a thousand left 

still waiting

never said

will they disappear?

or does that nag 

take them with her 

like a scottish folk tale 

stealing babies 

from their beds

replacing them with 

closed mouthed fairies 

pretty to look at

“Hope, do you find strength?,” Shinji Moon

Hope, you are what my sister saw when she stood
looking across the mountainside of Sedona, Nevada.

When she came home she brought stories of 
medicine men and shamans and taking long walks
towards god, and we sat around the kitchen counter
counting red stones she took from the heart of a healing
land – an acorn stone, small animals of jade —
and a crushed up bottle with the palest of red sands inside.

Hope. When the medicine man asked her what she saw
looking at the silhouette of those white-peaked shifting plates,
she said your name, and he told her that what she saw in those mountains
were what decorated her own bones.

It is summer and the milk dew of our home keeps leaking into my lungs, 
into my skin, into my always autumn heart that keeps blushing
from red lips to orange leaves to yellow, yellow
the yellow of the sun across Picton waters, to the pale of
the veins of dried leaves, its heartbeat
its heartbeat
so much like
my own.

Hey Hope, do you hear me? 
I’ve been meaning to talk to you for days now
about something or another, about the way
my hands feel too small when I screw them on in the morning
as if I can’t hold anything in them
that doesn’t drain through the bottoms.

Hope, do you hear me?

I’ve been trying to call but the last few digits of your number
are smudged by my last boy’s rain, and I keep clinging
to a flat line that doesn’t exist 
but still I feel you pump my lungs
when I’m toppled over into myself with my knees rubbing
against my chest like I’m a cricket who lost its meter, and

Hope, I want you to know
that I believe in you like I believe in the soft heart
of my sister, who tumbled the glass of our childhood
with her palms so that I would never have to tread on anything
but a sea glass world, and

Hope, I want you to know
that I am here — thin wrists and gawky words
and screwed on limbs.

I am here. Listening. 
With every ounce of my fist sized heart.
I am here.

Hope, do you find strength? 
Do you know if its in season?

Because I’m trying to bake together a beautiful world
and the neighbors won’t lend
a cup or two to make this 
goddamn dough rise.

”

—	“Hope, do you find strength?,” Shinji Moon

Pain of Labor / Emotional Pain

I texted my friend/ mentor last week saying "I am not sure what is going on... but I feel a contraction coming"
He said "I am right here holding your hand"... He knew exactly what I was talking about.
He had heard it in my voice before, right before I wrote this.

It is the strangest sensation... like labor, but instead of physical pain it is a wave of emotion that overcomes and moves through me.  As it ends & I rest into it, it brings clarity. The closest thing I have experienced similar to it is grief.  Maybe that is what it is... but I don't think so.

And what are these waves of emotion delivering? No idea, but I know at the end I will be forever changed.  For now, what I learned from birth is helping me learn and move through it. Here are the lessons as I connect this to giving birth, written more for me than anyone who might read them.

A woman's voice changes. When you are moving into active labor your voice and demeanor change.  You go from panic to a determination that anyone can see. A women in active labor is a force and you best move out of the way. It has been told to me, and I am beginning to see it... my voice is changing. 

You won't die and it does end. The pain of contractions are so intense and as they begin you know they will get worse. The fear as they come on can be as intense, but clinching or holding your breath won't keep it from intensifying. It is exactly like the fear of going crazy from the emotional intensity I have had recently. The "I might go crazy or die if I really let myself feel it all". But you don't die and it does end, giving you a chance to rest up before the next wave or push begins. Past a certain point your brain kicks in and washes the pain out. There is no pain past a point, no pain you can't withstand. 

The pain is there for a reason. The pain of childbirth is there for a reason. It is accomplishing change and it is doing it's job. Emotional pain is there for a reason too, so feeling it and allowing it to do it's job is your only option. 

You are not in control (let go). When you become pregnant your body takes over and there is nothing you can do to change the outcome. You will give birth and you will have a baby, it is a one way train. Your body takes over and you loose all control. You have to let go, you have no choice. And that is exactly where I am at emotionally... on a ride that I have no control over. I must let go. 

It isn't pretty, but it is beautiful. When you are in the middle of active labor it is all kinds of messy.  You are not looking your best and you don't give a shit.  If anyone around you cared what you looked like or expected anything but a wreck you would kick them out of the room & tell them to F off.  Labor is messy & loud ... you will curse, moan, sing, squeeze anything that is close & fight for it. And in the ugly mess of it all is the most beautiful window into life and beauty.  And those who love you will see that and never question what you had to go through to give birth.   

You can't stop it. But there is freedom in this, you can't do anything wrong. I mean, there is nothing you can do to not have a baby, and there is nothing you can do to mess it up.  You will give birth whether you breathe "correctly" or not. Your body will work it out. And if I trust this process I am actively going through now I can trust it will do it's job with or without me & decide to just go with it. Don't fight it. 

You are amazing. After I gave birth I remember feeling like the most amazing human on the planet.  I mean... I gave birth to a human... out of my body came life... don't mess with me!  You feel like you could literally do anything. No fear is strong enough to stop you. And everyone looks at you like you are miraculous... because you are.  

When I figure out what I am going through I promise to let you know.
But for now, if you see me in my messiness either look away or tell me I am beautiful & catch a glimpse of the mucky business of something beautiful being born.

maybe the kingdom of heaven is...

maybe the kingdom of heaven

is in us

it is inside (small) 

and outside (big) 

and you are housed

in it all

while we are housed 

in you

if everything is connected 

maybe it is the joint 

as we bend

in accord we spin

but for each (micro) movement 

we make 

each decision

you adjust (macro) 

seeing  

breathing 

directing  

living in your kingdom breathe 

reconciliation becomes infinite 

but so sure

maybe it is the thought 

that creates chemistry 

inside 

and the air that all the earth (creation) follows 

the gravity that make us fall hard

outside

like birds in pattern of

murmuration 

we, in community, 

are

working it out

you place us side by side 

each selection ripples

moving the whole

like a love machine

we work 

revolve 

you said it isn't about me

but it is... isn't it? 

only bigger 

it is bigger

we are shaped

like birds 

like microorganisms 

like star cluster

and you have us

Tried and Failed

I tried.
I tried my hardest.
Gave it my best effort.
And failed...
at being a good wife.
at being a good mom.
at being a good person.
Failed in countless other ways.
I have fallen so short that there are no words that can make up for the shortcomings.
I failed, and I am sorry.

"I want to know if (I) can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes!'" - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

name it

whatever it was 

it wanted us to itself 

it came underneath us 

ripping the rug

acting out a cue 

so tactile memory would fall into place

maybe if we name it 

it will bring us to 

what it had for us 

in the first place

the memory now set

I can recognize 

something I still haven't named 

it was earlier still 

wasn't it? 

do you remember? 

whatever it is 

we should try nameing it now

and in that moment 

claim promise 

change hearts 

bow

to the lesson 

maybe it owns us anyway

already turning us into air and flame

and this process is 

the why that I was carrying on about

Maybe the weight is love?

I feel it

take it in 

every bit

the intensity

is a weight 

like water soaking a sponge to full

and being rung out empty

if every room

contains a bit of every person who enters

soaking up words & feeling

maybe that is what I am 

a room 

a space 

where it all is held

my walls

my tapestries

my body

the barometer in the room

no wonder 

I feel like I am on the outside looking in

is community something for me? 

what part of the story has me in it? 

“The weight of the world is love. Under the burden of solitude, under the burden of dissatisfaction the weight,the weight we carry is love. ” ― Allen Ginsberg

If a heart can break from

If a heart can break 

from being kept 'as if'

I have burst my heart

told it to hide 

because it was not worth the 

thought 

effort 

fight

If roots can be stripped

and told to not feel alive

I have crushed my roots of all energetic pulse

spoken into them 

a hundred lies

more

to make the dance stop

If your core can be smothered

it would not be from hands

(hateful hands take blame well)

but from false submission

used to bury real thought

In my silence I spoke it out

"You should be punished"

If your life force

can be left out to dry 

clipped by abandonment 

set to fade in a fake expression

my false voice 

can be blamed 

it called me undeserving

and withheld love

but possibility

sets to work

remnants of truth 

in dormancy

manage to force a bloom 

creative power

and the colors of thirst

peek out

even in the hostility I created

love, in a spring of tears

begins to overflow

Expansion

I've noticed lately how much I invalidate my own feelings.  My language is always apologizing or excusing or explaining or poking fun at what it is I feel.  It's easy to recognize how much other people "hold you back" but it isn't as easy to see that you are holding yourself back far more than anyone else has the power to hold you back.

I have been experiencing what I am calling EXPANSION lately.  Let me try to explain what I mean... In small & big ways whenever I feel myself hit the brick wall of life I have PUSHED PAST it or maybe I should say I LET GO & God flips it on it's head and all of the sudden the "brick wall" is a door.  I realized as I worked through this that this is the point of "expansion" which I see in the parable of the yeast.  The point where the kingdom of heaven is in us.  I have more to work through to understand what I am describing. So more on the kingdom of heaven part later... for now here is a poem I wrote.

It feels like this expansion point happens (so far) at the worst moments. The more desperate you are, the bigger the push "past it", the bigger the possibility to expand.  What I have experienced on the other side of this expansion is pure beauty, God in all His glory... showing off.  Saying "I am bigger than you can imagine & I am holding it all & it is all connected!"  I have experienced some mind blowing clarity at this point of expansion. It is crazy making & at the same time makes you want to go ahead and go crazy because it is THE way to be for sure.

The experience I am referring to has been in many areas recently, but let me give you a specific instance so you can see what I am talking about... 

I was walking through a difficult time on top of several other difficult times this past month.  (Why does that happen, by the way? Why does everything always happen all at once?  Maybe because the bigger the desperation the more you are willing to FIGHT to push!? I don't know.)  My 83 year old father who has been living with me the past year and has Parkinson's and Alzheimer's went, in a matter of days, from an 83 year old man with mild dementia to an infant.  He literally could not get up and needed me to attend to his every need.  It was a situation that was so far past my ability and outside of my control, there was no way for me to care for him and get him the help he needed on my own.  I had no alternative but to ask for help and I was horribly desperate because I really thought my father was dying.  

I took him to his doctor and then the hospital & quickly was facing that I needed to place him in long term care.  This idea was an idea I had fought, I felt like he would die as soon as he was in a home.  I worried he would be mistreated and would feel unloved and give up hope.  The brick wall I hit was not being able to care for him the way I wanted to and felt I should.  Fear & guilt was keeping me from getting him the help he needed and if I had put him in the home without facing that fear and pushing past it... maybe the outcome would have been different.  I cried out and let go and all of the sudden I realized it was all how I was looking at it.  Maybe it would be the worst home in the world, but there was a possibility that it was going to be the best.  Better yet, there was a possibility that we could make it the best.  I made room for that possibility & I shifted my perspective or God shifted it and that wall became a door, an opportunity for expansion. And here is the beautiful part, not just mine, it could radiate out.  The Kingdom of Heaven is like the yeast which a women took and hid in the flour until the entire mixture expanded. Maybe light would come into that nursing home and be felt and affect the other people there.  I began teaching my kids about lighting up a room with their smile. About how much you can change a person's face by chatting with them and we have made it our mission to make as many people smile as we can whenever we visit.  My dad has his own light to shine and he is shining it (whenever he is not in a grumpy mood that is).  I also worked hard at changing my language with him and myself about the transition to a nursing home.  I began telling him that I was looking for a "healing place" for him to go to.  This absolutely affected his mood as he entered the home and I overheard him telling a nurse "my daughter was looking for a healing place for me & I think she found it! This is a healing place."  Yes it is. Is it a healing place because it is a good home or because we believe it is a healing place? Both!  

And now I begin applying this to other places in my life.  I begin asking myself the question: "How do you create room for the unexpected to happen? For more that you could ever expect?"  I mean when you are making bread you allow room for expansion.  You make sure that bowl is BIG.

I begin applying this to the obstacles I see in front of me, the things I see as hidden dark places that I need to bring to the light.  The fear I have of people not loving me if they really knew.  The things I believe are holding me back that maybe aren't really holding me back.  The flour in my life that is stagnant, waiting for yeast.  I'm not gonna lie, I feel afraid even as I write this. It is the "take a deep breath and jump once you can not push any further" moment. The part that is painful but as I see what waits for me on the other side of it... it motivates me to push harder past the pain and helps me to LET GO of even more in my life so the Kingdom of Heaven can overtake it. Heck I might just let go of the whole thing and see what happens!! Watch out, make some room!

If you don't stop that

I used to live in

A cramped house with confusion

And pain.

But then I met the Friend

And started getting drunk

And singing all

Night.

Confusion and Pain

Started acting nasty,

Making threats,

With talk like this,

"If you don't stop 'that' -

All that fun -

We're

Leaving."

-Hafiz

he held my hand so tightly today

mind out of focus

lost in words 

sometimes syllables are even lost

yet when I look in his eyes 

we connect

he is soaking up love

you see his deepest need

it is exposed

what a beautiful side to see

he held my hand so tightly today

as if to say

"I am not going anywhere"

and

"please don't leave"

I believe children arrive connected to God

today I saw him 

connect that same way

like they were resting in each others arms

'I saw him come so close to God

I saw God come so close to him'

I have seen this before 

so I watched for it 

and when he was close

I listened to every rambling word

a bit of heaven 

resting in each word

like the dna of each word was a puffy cloud

I am paying attention 

it is the purest love 

between father and daughter

I am feeling it all

wide open 

here I am dad

thank you for letting me be affectionate with you today 

I know it calms you 

helps you rest 

I love you

I am learning to let you go

Timing Conversation

your timing
unbelievable!
I am angry
I am calling you much worse things than a needler
crying to you
snotty wet messy wreck of a cry
You hold me tightly
dads get old
it is still unfair
that it is happening now
literally same day
it is like I was holding it all up
and since I am breaking
it will all fall
it is like you want me to shout 'mercy'
OK
MERCY
what else do you want from me?
MERCY!!!
I have messed it all up
mercy

Just a piece of paper

It is just a piece of paper, a goodbye & a full moon.
All on the same day.
A mark of time, a sense of loss, a beautiful sadness.
I am feeling every bit of it. Wide open.
I wouldn't choose to feel less or dull it.
I am free. I am grateful.

Today, heart open

today 

I have the sense of my heart stretching open

like I am performing a pose

heart on hinge 

wide 

I hear the creek of rust 

metal on metal grinding 

dust blown away from heavy filing

prying

needling 

I feel the painful stretch of valves not used 

pumping

achey joints

pulled into place

I am not afraid anymore

of what waits

I have seen enough to know 

I can trust

this is me

light flooding

open

Happy

Happy 

It slipped in like a cloud inside my room

Unnoticed, until it was directly overhead

Waking, expecting tears,

But there it was

Wrapping it's arms around me in a quick squeeze

Happy without you

It is not a sin to be happy

Disconcerting

I understand

You are afraid of my happiness

Light is glowing all around me 

It can not be contained

It is already overtaking

Fear has burst into light

Inviting my life into the woods!

There is nothing like getting away.  So after seeing the most recent Wes Anderson film, Moonrise Kingdom, I decided to plan my own escape into the woods.  I jokingly started making an inventory list with all of the quintessential stylized Wes Anderson items that made the trek into the woods in Moonrise feel like childhood innocence and magical escapade rolled together.

I did escape to a 3 day adventure with my two children plus one tag along child.  But as the adventure came to an end and I returned home with messages and problems waiting to grab hold of me just as soon as I arrived, I had that inevitable sinking feeling of adult reality.  During a difficult time for me that feels like it has lasted a lifetime, I have to admit I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and disheartened upon my return.  Must I return back from my magical forest adventure? Why is reality so real?!!! The uneasy stomach feeling began to surface as I neared home and the well known tears oozed as I saw familiar landmarks.  The cell phone literally became an evil beacon of reality which I almost turned off to escape for just a few more hours.

I started thinking I shouldn't let this "escape to the forest feeling" leave.  Maybe I could hold onto and savor that feeling of tranquility I had created for my adventure... in my mind.  To do that, I started thinking about and trying to express what it was that was such a release for me when I was away and what it is rushing in on me as I returned.  Do I really have to live with a stomach ache and pulses of stress hormone washing over me? No.

As all of this ran like a mini film in my head, I had a radical thought, instead of leaving the woods mentally... I could invite my life into the woods with me. We (my life and I) could escape together. 

What if I decided to live in tranquility, in peace, in harmony and invited everything/ everyone to join me there?  I quickly had every image of the "green pastures" & the "promise land" that I have been so drawn to and shown so much about recently join the thoughts of this "escape to the forest feeling".

What was so radical about these thoughts for me?
Boundaries.  I have been working hard on NOT having boundaries lately. Don't have a stroke, let me explain.  I had realized that all of my carefully crafted "boundaries" which I thought I "should" have to be "healthy" and create (IE:control) a good life were in actuality designed to keep love OUT & were something I was using to protect myself, and control those around me. It was an ugly realization. I had to let go of this need to control & protect in order to let God in and I had to do it at all cost.

I lost the "boundaries" & committed to spending some time laying down and being "naked".  Even if it was painful and even if it was frightening I stripped down and saw for the first time how addicted to shame, fear, hiding and control I was.  It took a lot of trust in God & a huge dose of courage to be vulnerable.  I will not say I am sorry I have done this, however, I will say that it hurts really badly to be vulnerable with people who know nothing but hurt.

I had to create this place of ultimate surrender to let love in, but how would I keep the painfulness from charring the green pasture and eventually causing me to close myself off again?  After all, the Shepherd guides us off difficult paths into a safe place. He lays a banquet before us in the presence of our enemies.

This new idea of LIVING in the green pastures and inviting my life in... is radical for me because I can see that this is the answer to opening my life up to love.  It is ultimately inclusive, all are free to enter.  You know where to find me, I am in the green grass... the promise land.  However, if you are unwilling to enter... you will not find me.  I will not close myself off from love but I will not loose my peace or tranquility or leave my place of promise for anyone or anything.

So, here is your invitation to adventure into the greenest most lush life imaginable. I am entering in & you are welcome!!! I have love enough for you & that will not stop... but this is my new address.  


If you can't make it, I'll be sure to send a postcard!

The sound of it all unraveling

There are some things that you should let unravel.
Some things that, try as you might, are too frayed to be put back together.
You can patch and sew and work... but it will still only be rags.

I think this is the case.

So I am putting up my darning needles and putting away the scraps of fabric used for patching.
I am letting it all fall down around me.
Look away if you don't like what you see.
Don't be afraid, don't feel bad for me, don't feel the need to throw a blanket around my shoulders.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to see from me.
But my Father loves me and thinks that I am more beautiful than the pile of rags I was crafting to hide myself.
This is between Him.... and me.

filling buckets with bile and tears

if I had collected my tears 

these 21 years

tears shed by hurt you caused

I could fill a bucket

and that bucket emptied out 

many times over

could fill this room 

and this room filled many times 

could fill an ocean

If I could open my mouth 

Spitting out toxic bile 

poured into me by words you have spoken

It would fill another bucket 

then that bucket emptied out 

overflowing 

would fill every house we ever lived in together

is it any wonder I feel like this now

look around at this 

spend the last breath that I will actually listen to 

telling me that it was my fault

I am finished crying 

finished taking the toxic sludge in

There is nothing about what we had together that I would recognize as love

It was all bile and tears

Response to "Promise Land & the place called Portend"

Now the Lord is not slow about enacting His promise—slow is how some people want to characterize it—no, He is not slow but patient and merciful to you, not wanting anyone to be destroyed, but wanting everyone to turn away from following his own path and to turn toward God’s.   

2 Peter 3:9 (the voice)

It just FEELS slow. 

The Promise Land & The Place Called 'Portend'

What I wanted

Since I was a child

A place named 'promise'

A safe place

Where all needs are met with abundance

No more pushing around

Slander silenced as you enter 

Insults become vapor 

Drowned out by dripping honey, sweet

In longing for this 'promise' land 

Childishly, I created another place

Called 'portend' 

I created a place where the last drop of honey was used 

To glue together the bits 

Left over

Making the best of it 

Never enough

Because I longed for safety and home 

And because I gave it an effort 

Are you saying I deserve less than a promise? 

You said you loved me

You felt me yearning 

Yes, it wasn't for you 

So you let me wander 

let me 'try'

I wanted nothing more than safety 

You left me in the stickiness

To figure it out

Couldn't you have told me it wasn't worth my time? 

Spared pain times pain? 

That is not your way

Well, what is your way? 

You build into us a deep hunger 

An instinct for the plan we have lost 

But then you let our instincts evolve to cope

And you call that coping sin nature

Or is that what I call it?  

I might have deep intuition 

But I am deeply at a loss

Show me the promised land 

I have walked out of portend

Into the strong tide of desert dune

The sandy pull of a heart broken 

Please do not leave me here

I know all about myself now, I know. You've told me so often. You haven't left me one rag of illusion to clothe myself in.
― Jean Rhys

I use water to pretend

I pretend I am floating outside of it
without the gravity of this place
like a heavy metal weight
with a brand scratched into the surface
that says "enter here and have it lifted"

I pretend to have unlimited buoyancy
I pretend to have an upward force inside
although the 'upward force' usually seems real
I call on it and it brings me to the surface
quickly, once I speak it out

I use water to pretend
that I am inside a pocket of breathable air
leaving the rest of the world immersed
floating like noah, I suppose
Although I would never let you drown

long baths, the ocean
using water to suspend my body
outside / inside
where everything else is displaced
I am in the in-between
emptied out

I shout thinking the sound will be contained
but it carries
I let my voice seemingly crash
only to have sound waves surface and bend
being amplified

those sounds expose me
as I try to swallow them
like cheeks blown up
and then slapped