The Promise Land & The Place Called 'Portend'

What I wanted

Since I was a child

A place named 'promise'

A safe place

Where all needs are met with abundance

No more pushing around

Slander silenced as you enter 

Insults become vapor 

Drowned out by dripping honey, sweet

In longing for this 'promise' land 

Childishly, I created another place

Called 'portend' 

I created a place where the last drop of honey was used 

To glue together the bits 

Left over

Making the best of it 

Never enough

Because I longed for safety and home 

And because I gave it an effort 

Are you saying I deserve less than a promise? 

You said you loved me

You felt me yearning 

Yes, it wasn't for you 

So you let me wander 

let me 'try'

I wanted nothing more than safety 

You left me in the stickiness

To figure it out

Couldn't you have told me it wasn't worth my time? 

Spared pain times pain? 

That is not your way

Well, what is your way? 

You build into us a deep hunger 

An instinct for the plan we have lost 

But then you let our instincts evolve to cope

And you call that coping sin nature

Or is that what I call it?  

I might have deep intuition 

But I am deeply at a loss

Show me the promised land 

I have walked out of portend

Into the strong tide of desert dune

The sandy pull of a heart broken 

Please do not leave me here